Monday, 30 July 2007

THIS ... IS ... SPAR ...er... MY ... REVIEW!!!!!!!!!! (300)

Okay, so I finally got around to watching "300" this afternoon, and here's what I thought:

Pretty much 300 Yawns for the first 45 minutes, dodgy narration (what a weird voice), generally a bit blah, there didn't feel like there was much bite to the Spartan training from childhood...then of course - King & Queen - they're deep characters because they shag each other and she gets her norks out...wow.

Weird crap with those mountain-top nutters who perv on young girls, that's all rather daft, so from here I was feeling confirmed in that this must be about 3% history, 97% bollocks.

Then the fighting starts and it gets entertaining, it's completely unashamed in how it goes about all the strutting around making rousing speeches before the slow motion takes over the entire universe (seriously, this flick must be about 30 minutes without all the slow mo - the South Park parody was superb).

Visually impressive, but pretty pictures doesn't make a great film, and therein lies the problem, bugger all plot and you don't give a bollocks about anyone but Gerrard Butler's shouty King with that pointy beard and odd 6-or-8-pack. So yeah, visually impressive - but it gets tiring, all that yellow grading...and to be honest, some shots looked really daft, it looked like it was anime in the background and real life up front, other shots looked really obviously in front of green screen, which takes you out of things.

So back to the fighting - all those giant elephants and such were ridiculous, I thought that was pointless, a few shots and they're falling off a cliff. Then that Rhino thing, gets poked in the eye and it's dead...and now, my thoughts on the ending:

*BIG FAT SPOILER FOR ALL 3 OF YOUZE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THIS FLICK, HA!*



They're supposed to be rock hard soldiers who defend each other and all this, yet they seem to get slain ever-so bleeding fast - no doubt all the slow motion used up so much damn time they had to rush the ending. They take on shedloads of people, even a monsoon of arrows, and yet the second time around they don't do the ball-of-shields trick?! They seem to just give up at the end ... wait ... what about all that "this is sparrrrtaaaaaaaaaaaa" stuff? Fight to the death ... but a pretty piss easy death compared to their fighting earlier on in the film.

Then a year later and all of a sudden they've got 30,000 f*cking soldiers now?! WTF?!



*SPOILER-A-MUNDO IS DUNZO!*

The ending was a big pile of what?

Finally - oh blimey - that must be the gayest film ever committed to film. 300 bronzed and sweaty, muscle-bound men in sandals, tight leather pants, red capes and foofy-topped helmets all huddling together...bloody nora, I mean that's really ... REALLY gay. Not denouncing gays, it's just that ... damn ... this movie is MASSIVELY GAY. It's just funny to watch really...but hey, I guess there's many films out there with loads of girls getting their norks out, so gay men probably don't have as much eye candy to look at in the cinema as the average straight bloke, so that's fine by me.

Also - I can completely understand why this movie killed in America. But thinking of the gay angle, I wonder how many Americans from gay-hatin' areas went to this flick and loved it?

Finally, did anyone else get a "the Persians are the Iraqi terrorists and the Greeks are the Americans" vibe from the film? I totally did throughout, it was unashamedly so.

So ... if you're looking specifically for rousing pre-battle speeches, oodles of slow motion and loads of muscly, sweaty blokes stabbing each other then you can't go far wrong to be honest, but if you want depth ... or an ending that makes any shred of sense ... or not so much CGI, then you're f*cked.

Gerrard Butler was brilliant in it though, he did the whole shouty King warrior thing really well. Over all, hmmm ... 5 or 6 out of 10 ... probably 5 due to the over-all inconsistencies and vapid lack of substance. But the battles are pretty good guilty pleasures.

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