Aliens VS Predator VS Me...

After the abomination that was Aliens VS Predator by Paul 'franchise fucker' Anderson, my sights were obviously set pretty low for AvP: Requiem.

Needless to say, without P-double-eff-A on board the film is far better than its predecessor. If only they'd started here, rather than where they had done, eh? Why take two R-rated franchises and condense them into 90 minutes of lame-brain limpy-wimpy teen-hugging PG-13 nonsense?

As for Requiem, while the first half has a few decent moments, it's mostly dull ... almost intolerably so ... I literally had to pop a couple of Pro Plus to keep from nodding off - literally. I just couldn't give a single shit-fart about teenage pizza boy and his crush on cardboard-cut-out-blondie, who - like seemingly all attractive females in these sort of films - hangs out with bullying jocks.

The first half just feels formulaic, it feels like an equation that is being followed ... a checklist written by one Civil Servant, handed to another Civil Servant who then hands it to a secretary who then emails it to another Civil Servant who then turns up on set to get another Civil Servant to do the actual ticking and dealing. Perhaps this was why I was actually nodding off - and it wasn't like I didn't get any sleep the previous night, I got my usual thank you very much.

Fortunately, the first half isn't entirely devoid of decency. The stuff centering on the Aliens and the Predators is entertaining (although a tad uninspired).

Fortunately though - again - the second half is where things pick up. We forget about these boring humans and their MTV-reality-soap-style problems and get on with watching the pair of eponymous species kick seven shades of intergalactic turd out of one another. Woodruff & Co can finally show off their mastered craft and provide us with the lashings of R-rated violence we were all after ... although here in the UK it's a mere 15, unlike the 18 certificates that pertain to the separate franchises.

Annoyingly, the final battle - the purpose of AvP Requiem - isn't exactly a massive ruck after the ceremonious stand-off, and if you don't see the final minute coming three-and-a-quarter-miles-off, then you mustn't have had any Pro Plus to get you through the first half.

All-in-all, it kicks the chuddies off the first AvP with utter ease, but ultimately doesn't pack the punch you might have expected ... to be honest, I think the Earth setting (and those pesky teenagers sucking up precious time) removes some of the mystique of these two beastly species ... although because the second half rocks a decent amount of cock, maybe the fault was quite possibly just down to the mainly laborious humans rather than the setting.

First half = 4.5/10
Second half = 6.5/10
Overall = 6/10