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“The workout will kill you!” Otherwise known
as Aerobicide, David A. Prior's (Deadly Prey) late-in-the-cycle
slasher flick – and feature début – is perhaps the most unabashedly 'eighties'
of them all. Beauties clad in Day-Glo Lycra writhing to terrible pop music in
the quest for bodily perfection? Check. Convertible Porsches and muscled-up
bros with dodgy hair styles? Check. Conspicuous shots of condoms in the wake of
the AIDS crisis that was dominating the decade? Check. Visor caps, frizzy hair,
and ankle socks? That'll be a big old check on that, too. In some ways, for
good and bad, the 1980s have never left us – not in these specific ways,
mind you – but the decade of greed and synthesised music has been back in vogue
for a while now. But does that mean Killer Workout is any good? Let's
find out...
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screenshots…
“Not tonight, not tomorrow night, not any night – how
many times do I have to say that?” In the wake of an explosive mishap
at a tanning salon (so that's what the image on the cover art is!), a
slew of murders come to plague Rhonda's Work Out – a gym/aerobics studio.
Rhonda (Marcia Karr, Chained Heat) is the owner and operator,
with a sour demeanour and a try-hard devotee lingering around her in the
muscular form of Jimmy (Fritz Matthews). Similarly, Jaimy (Teresa Van
Der Woude) is one of Rhonda's instructors and is getting pestered by
another one of the resident jocks – Tommy (Richard Bravo). Even with the
guys' lack of understanding about boundaries – the pair of brosephs are cast as
dim-witted and ineffectually horny – it seems to be business as usual. Well, it
is, until one of the members is stabbed to death – with an over-sized,
industrial strength clothes pin (yes, seriously).
“Just teach the class and stop showing off your tits
and tight little ass, got it?” When Jaimy stumbles across the body –
while she's busy fondling a jock strap! – Johnny Law gets involved and wants to
know who owns the locker that the body fell out of. It belongs to one of the
other girls, but when that theory turns into a red herring, Lieutenant Morgan (David
James Campbell, Scarecrows) figures out this won't be an easy case
to crack – certainly not with his lackadaisical approach to criminal
investigation! As newcomer Chuck (Ted Prior) gets on Rhonda's nerves,
and while the bodies pile up – as many as three at a time – you'd think that
the gym rats would opt for a bit of sofa time, or at least find a new gym, but nope
… it's time for another aerobics class as the paramedics zip up yet another
stiff! Talk about dedication to having a good body – exercise fast, die young,
leave a well-toned corpse.
“A better feel? Look, you want a feel try Hollywood
Boulevard, now get the hell out of here!” With a handful of T&A
scenes – one of them on the somewhat unconventional side – Killer Workout
aims for simple genre pleasures. All seven – yes, seven – aerobics
sequences play out like that Benny Benassi “Satisfcation” music video (perhaps
this movie is where they got the idea for it?). Conspicuous close ups of
lunging crotches and sweat-speckled boobs abound, but it's not all about the
female form here as the guys get a look in, too. Chuck and company lift weights
while strutting around in tight vests and short-shorts – the women are
beautiful dancers, the men are jacked-up stunt performers (quite literally
in the case of Ted Prior and Fritz Matthews).
“Wow – that was rad!” Few of the cast were
hired for their acting talents, it would seem. The aforementioned Prior and
Matthews don't exactly command the screen when it comes to the talky bits, but
once they get into a delightfully cheesy punch-up their presence makes sense.
The same could be said of most of the other cast; none of them are aided by
some thuddingly dull dialogue and a distinct lack of tension throughout, but
there are a few tongue-in-cheek lines that lift the movie up momentarily.
However, never knowingly under-(or over)-acted is the shape of it,
further compounded by the imprecise editing, which regularly cuts in too soon
and/or cuts away too late, thus troubling the overall pacing of several scenes.
“I'm getting out of here while I'm still in one piece
– if you had any brains you'd do the same thing.” Unsure whether it
wants to be a comedy or take itself seriously, the movie is a generally
cumbersome affair. The same could not be said of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers,
which knows exactly what it wants to be and how it wants to set about achieving
that. Failing to provide any slasher movie thrills or build any tension, Killer
Workout stumbles early on, coming across as low-rent as some of the
locations. There are sparks of something better throughout, though – the opening
tanning salon mishap is charmingly zany, and a short-lived glimpse inside
Diane's (Laurel Mock) lonely home life tugs at your sympathies – but
ultimately it feels more like the impression of a slasher movie than the
genuine article. It's as if someone was told about slasher movies (by a
person who didn't like them) and proceeded to create one according to that
lowly template: a vaguely plotted succession of beautiful people getting carved
up. That all said and with the (copious) criticisms aside, fans of straight-to-video
B-Movies – or those who saw this as a kid and have a pang of nostalgia that
needs servicing – will find something to enjoy. It works more as an intriguing
time capsule of 1980s America during the post-boom slump of the slasher flick
than as an actual movie. There's plenty of kills, T&A, and 80s cheese on
offer, with some rather goofy moments scattered throughout, but there's little
to seriously recommend this. As post-pub fodder, though, it might yet earn a
place on your DVD shelf.
“She was so pretty.” / “Not anymore.” 88
Films' DVD release (did they have DVDs a thousand years ago? Must be a typo:
2016 rather than 1016!) is “lovingly restored”. Is it buggery, and to be
quite frank, don't take the piss. What this is, is a VHS rip – as evidenced by
the numerous instances of tracking noise that flicker across the screen at
random intervals – and the quality, on occasion, dips dramatically. In one
instance – in the middle of a sequence within Debbie's back garden (no,
that's not a euphemism) – the average picture quality suddenly down-shifts
to resemble the eyesight of a paralytic drunk. It's all the funnier for the
fact that the picture sharpens up just before she whips off her dressing gown
to reveal her bodacious bikini bod. In another instance – during the end
credits – if you wanted to know what the songs used in the film were, then good
bloody luck with that: they're rendered utterly illegible (as the audio
wobbles like the aforementioned inebriate).
Part of the 'Slasher Classics Collection', number six to be
precise … wait a minute, there already is a SCC#6: Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (released by 88 Films a year before this) … anyway,
presented in the 4x3 ratio (this is from the heyday of slap dash
straight-to-video genre fare, after all) with mono audio that hums in the
quiet spots, the so-called 'restoration' ain't pretty in the slightest but is
at least, for the bulk of the running time, functional. Perhaps years of
indulging in some of the finest DVD and Blu-Ray presentations have softened me
up – I must no longer resemble the horror mad teen who gleefully enjoyed a
cropped fourth generation dub of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre sourced
from a thoroughly used video cassette tape. Special Features? Very light on the
ground, I'm afraid. There's a brief alternative opening titles clip, 18 minutes
of trailers for other 88 Films releases, and a reversible sleeve – you don't
even get a scene selection menu. Do you remember about fifteen years ago when
those used to be a 'special feature' that was boasted about on the back covers
of DVDs alongside 'Animated Motion Menus'? 88 Films have regularly put together
impressive releases (at least from what I can surmise from the ones I've
purchased and general fan feedback), such as Anthropophagous or Bloodsucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh, but the treatment afforded Killer Workout
must surely be the exception that proves the rule.
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