Hextuple Bill Mini Musings: Limos, Aliens, Monsters, Soldiers, Savages, and Murders...

Cosmopolis:
What's it about?
A successful rich bloke hops in his limo to go and get a haircut. He then proceeds to talk utter bollocks with a random collection of arseholes for 105 interminable minutes.
Who would I recognise in it?
Robert Pattinson, Juliette Binoche, Paul Giamatti, Samantha Morton, Kevin Durand, Mathieu Amalric, Jay Baruchel.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
Exceptionally stylish, David Cronenberg's "psycho-thriller" is a visual treat, but the script (by DC, based on Don De Lillo's novel) is wilfully obtuse and keeps the audience at a belligerent arm's length for the entire duration. Side characters drift in-and-out for vignette's where people we don't know, or understand, talk in the most poncy, inaccessible manner about stuff we - at best - only half-get in general terms. It's an audience-splitter to say the least. The DVD comes with a making of as-long as the film itself - but I've not braved it yet - perhaps that'll shed a bit of light on all this malarkey, but I just couldn't access this Cronenberg outing. It's a shame as I usually enjoy his work so much (I recently checked out A Dangerous Method, and rather dug it). Alright.

Click "READ MORE" below for aliens, soldiers, savages, and hatchets...

The Watch:
What's it about?
Four guys get together to form a suburban Neighbourhood Watch, and soon find themselves fighting off an alien invasion.
Who would I recognise in it?
Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Jonah Hill, Richard Ayoade.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
Enjoyably diverting for the duration with a handful of smutty jokes, it's ultimately not a memorable classic by any stretch of the imagination, but it successfully extracted a series of guffaws. Light-weight, but jolly good fun while it lasts. Good.


From Beyond:
What's it about?
Gloopy horror goings-on from Stuart Gordon involving a scientist having to prove he's not mad by using science to break down the walls between dimensions - chaos, naturally, is soon unleashed.
Who would I recognise in it?
Jeffrey Combs, Babara Crampton, Ken Foree.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
Gordon's follow-up-film to Re-Animator can't quite muster the same gleeful sense of ghoulish fun, but with Combs on fine form, an arse-kicking turn from Foree, and classic 80s plastic-fantastic make-up effects (including early work from pre-KNB Greg Nicotero, working alongside Evil Dead II's commander-of-gore Mark Shostrom), it's a must-watch for any fan of 80s horror. Good.


Zulu:
What's it about?
Historical epic set in 19th century South Africa as a small band of British soldiers defend their base against a seemingly unstoppable army of Zulu warriors.
Who would I recognise in it?
Michael Caine, Stanley Baker, Patrick Magee, Jack Hawkins.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
It's not a short film, and it's half-way-done before the battles get underway, but it never drags. A cinematic classic with a truly epic feel. In spite of the underlying politics that it represents, it's a masterful piece of filmmaking. Great.


Savages:
What's it about?
Two big time California pot-growers take on a Mexican drug lord when their favourite girl is taken hostage after they refuse to do business.
Who would I recognise in it?
Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Taylor Kitsch, Blake Lively, Benicio Del Toro, Salma Hayek, John Travolta, Emile Hirsh.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
Exhibiting Oliver Stone's usual sense of brashness (albeit somewhat softened now that he is into his later years), it makes for a mixed bag. There's some thuddingly awful dialogue - particularly in the opening narration - and it generally doesn't feel too fresh as a concept (many pieces feel like they've been better explored elsewhere in movies as old as the central duo), but there's still enough to keep you watching. It won't linger long in the memory, nor will it become an icon of rebel-figure cinema, but it's not a dud. On the cusp between Good and Alright.


Hatchet For The Honeymoon:
What's it about?
A wedding dress designer takes his gleaming butcher's cleaver to beautiful brides on their wedding night in order to crack an unsolved mystery within his own mind. Technically not a "hatchet" for the honeymoon, then...
Who would I recognise in it?
Erm...
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
Having heard an awful lot of praise for "A Bay of Blood", I was surprised to be so disappointed by it - and I'm quite the ever-expanding fan of giallo films - but for some reason I just couldn't get into it. As such, I was a bit hesitant about watching Mario Bava's 1970 giallo - but I was pleasantly surprised. While somewhat lacking in the murder and mayhem department (body count, nor gore, are of much concern to Bava here), the director makes up for it with an off-kilter, dream-like psycho-mystery that toils in the death of the 1960s. In some ways it's arguably not a giallo in the strictest sense - this isn't a murder mystery as we meet the killer in the first frames - but Bava's focus-shifting, zoom-filled, composition-matching visual flair makes for one of the most cinematically audacious additions to the genre. On occasion the film briefly loses momentum, and even though it doesn't reach the dizzying heights of such giallo heavyweights as The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh, it's certainly a worthwhile watch. Good.