“You're not an idiot … more of
a moron, really.” For 27 years the Critters franchise, which
originally hit cinema screens in 1986 in the wake of the huge success of Joe
Dante's Gremlins (1984), has pretty much laid dormant. Aside from
a fantastic fan-made short film in 2014 (Jordan Downey's well received Critters: Bounty Hunter), those beloved fur balls with a monstrous appetite have
been left to starve and gather dust. But, much like buses, you spend ages
waiting for one only for two come along at the same time. Critters Attack!
is not connected to the Shudder short series Critters: A New Binge (despite
sharing the same production company), which was released in March 2019 to
mixed reviews – but what of this fifth film in the carnivorous series: can it
measure up like a rumbling post-feast rift, or will it fall flat like a pungent
fart nobody in their right mind should have trusted?...
Click “READ MORE” below to continue
the review and see more screenshots…
“There's something in your
trunk. It's blurry, but I think it's an alien.” Starting innocently
enough at the home of Drea (Tashiana Washington), her younger brother
Phillip (Jaedon Noel), and their Uncle Lewis (Stephen Jennings),
a UFO crash lands in the nearby woods and unleashes a lone Krite, which
immediately grabs a quick snack in the form of a sushi delivery boy – before
hatching a trio of new killer fur balls inside the half-gobbled entrails. Alien
obsessive Phillip is adamant that intergalactic entities have landed, but
nobody will believe him, least of all his college hopeful sister, who spends
all day pining after the chance to attend Leroy College (get used to that!).
“On the plus side I read
somewhere that it's a sign of good luck if a bird poops on you.” / “Well then,
things are looking up for me for a change!” However, someone who isn't
sceptical about aliens landing on Earth, is Dee (genre icon Dee Wallace),
who promptly packs up her big ass guns, leaves her secret alien detection room,
and ventures forth to take down the Krites before they infest the planet.
Meanwhile, looking for a way to raise her profile with the admissions board,
Drea gets a job babysitting Professor Lacy's kids – nature lover Trissy (Ava
Preston) and text-aholic Jake (Jack Fulton). Bored, they head out
for a walk in the woods, and stumble upon a friendly albino fuzz ball –
actually another Krite – and take it with them, only to find themselves
continually under attack from the roaming (and expanding) gang of killer
Krites, who are intent on snarfing down on as much human flesh as possible.
Will they survive? Will they stick to a plan for longer than two minutes? Will
Drea finally get admitted to Leroy College?!
“A card game? What is this,
1986?” Directed by Bobby Miller and written by Scott Lobdell (who
penned the wonderfully entertaining Happy Death Day), this belated
fifth entry in the Critters franchise is – sadly – its weakest. Made in
South Africa (obviously for tax incentive reasons like other low budget
genre sequels like the more successful Tremors 5: Bloodlines and Tremors:
A Cold Day In Hell), Critters Attack! is evidently on the low
end of 'low budget'. Trailing a vague whiff of a gun-for-hire job or a rush
write or something made without a full understanding of what makes a Critters
movie cackle with evil laughter (or perhaps a combination of all three),
the film appears more like it was shot according to a slap dash first draft,
which spends a frustrating amount of time obsessing over Drea's wish to be
accepted into the local University – a piece of story that should have only
amounted to a brief sideline during her introduction, but which is returned to
repeatedly throughout the entire running time to no significant effect.
“You're so cute. I love
your highlights … please don't kill me.” While it's good for the
characters to have something to them – Drea and Phillip are mourning the loss
of their mother, while Uncle Lewis' alcoholism is similarly linked to the
tragedy – such drama feels overwrought and disjointed in the context of a fun
monster movie. By all means, we want good characters with a bit of something
about them, but to pad their vague journeys with so much that is, ultimately,
inconsequential to the overall plot of the movie, and only serves to drag down
the non-Krite portions of the story, is a sore mistake to behold. To what
worthwhile extent (if any) does Phillip's generic crush on Trissy
influence either character's personal journey, the plot, or the action? Same
goes for Jake's cellphone addiction and muted voice, whereby when he finally
speaks it's of no real importance or use. It's especially odd, too, considering
how strong (and relevant) an arc that the main character had in Happy
Death Day. Indeed, when all the college stuff is extended further with
bitchy Mandy and preppy Gregory, the viewer is left feeling immediately
restless. Furthermore, various emotional beats are under-served by some flat
dialogue and flatter acting, adding to the generally uneven tone of the movie.
Sometimes it hits, sometimes it misses, with another example of this being the
self-referential style. Occasionally it works well, with the actors pulling off
some nice moments of goofy humour, but other times it completely undercuts the
sense of peril: if the characters don't care that someone they love is in
mortal danger, or is flat-out dying, why should the viewer care?
“Taste my steel you rat
bastards, I have the best blades in the business.” However, even with
all that said, the IMDb rating of 3.7/10 is too harsh … and yet, even for a
hardcore fan of the franchise since the days of VHS rental shops and VCR-to-VCR
dubbing, and for someone who actually wrote a 'Critters 5' and 'Critters
6' for English Language class in 1996 out of pure love for the franchise, Critters
Attack! can only reach a 5/10. Still, though, the movie's main success is
the Krites themselves – all hand-operated puppets and radio controlled
practical effects. While the Krite's creators – the Chiodo Brothers – are
unfortunately not involved in this project, their original design aesthetic is
adhered to, even if the film makes a curious change or two along the way (why
do the Krites no longer lay eggs?). Packed with fun, bloody gore scenes (much
more blood than in any of the previous entries), the devious little
gluttons still retain a fair bit of their nasty charm and (quite rightly)
steal the entire movie thanks to the fantastic work the effects team pulled off
on a tight budget. Krites get squished, exploded, bisected, and more in
numerous gooey, splatterific scenes that'll make Critters fans' hearts
swell with joy. A particular highlight comes when one Krite happens upon a
forest ranger showering and gets mistaken for a loofah – the incredulous look,
followed by the ravenous attack, makes for a genuine moment of inspiration.
Still, we're a long way away from the comedic calamities orchestrated by the
Krites in parts 2 and 3 at the Hungry Heffer fast food restaurant and Mrs
Menges' kitchen respectively.
“You can drive, can't you?”
/ “I'm twelve.” / “Exactly.” There's a few references to the previous
movies, albeit few and far between, with the biggest being the involvement of
Dee Wallace – who played Helen Brown in the original 1986 movie. However, the
actress isn't playing the same role here – this movie is, essentially, a reboot
– but instead some sort of bounty hunter (and not of the shape shifting
alien kind one would expect of a Critters flick). What's most
galling, though, is that Wallace is left with not much more than a cameo spread
very thinly across 85 minutes. You can find all that time to bang on and on and
on about Drea's (local) college aspirations, but you can't find more
than a few minutes worth of screen time for Dee Wallace?! Her involvement naturally
adds cachet to the project, but her every extended absence is felt ever more
keenly the further the viewer progresses through the movie.
“You know aliens don't
exist, right?” So, all things considered, Critters Attack! is
frustratingly patchy, a hit and miss combination of mismatched (and even
pointless) character drama and gleefully bloody Krite action. Perhaps an
actual sequel, instead of a reboot, with more arresting characters and a
slightly bigger budget would have given Critters fans something closer
to what they've been longing for. The movie starts somewhat slow, and the big
finale is more of a splutter than a triumphant splash, but as it stands
hardcore followers of these forever famished fur balls should find
enough fun to justify a viewing.
“That is gross.”
The DVD has a handful of brief featurettes, all focusing on the Critter effects
themselves, providing some informative looks behind the scenes of how certain
scenes were shot and what went into creating the animatronic puppets. There's
also a brief 'commentary' of sorts between the director and one of the Krite
'actors', which is a nice bit of fun.
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