“A couple of sweet angels
of mercy who just happen to be armed for combat.” / “Even Mother Teresa has her
dark side.” In the words of writer/director Andy Sidaris “You can't not
like beautiful women and explosions, if you don't, then you're a Communist”
… ah, the 1980s! When he wasn't chewing on his tongue, lodged so firmly in his
cheek, Sidaris was making movies in the 'Skin-emax' style, that is: guns,
babes, and all sorts of shit blowing up somewhere sunny. The fourth entry in
Andy Sidaris' twelve-strong 'L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies' series features the final
on-screen team up for arse-kicking agents Donna and Taryn, and sees the zesty
duo crash land in the middle of a hunt for missing gold on a remote Pacific
island...
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continue the review and see more screenshots…
“Release her right now or
your church choir has a new soprano.” Opening with D.E.A. agents Donna
(Dona Speir, Hard Hunted) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton, Slaughter
House Rock) infiltrating a drug smuggling operation – at a pineapple
factory of all places – things get off to a lead-flingin' start as their
straightforward *ahem* bust turns into a fight for survival. But never
fear, because Taryn's got an effective way to stop that getaway van – blow it
the fuck up! Once they've admonished their captured crims (whose faces are
all cartoonish with post-explosion muck), they take a nice relaxing topless
jacuzzi with relocated Las Vegas agent Patticakes (Patty Duffek) and new
girl Rocky (Lisa London) … hmmm, it must be the Hawaiian way of doing
things.
“I want you to see the
special equipment I have for you.” / “Well, we're pretty isolated here and I
don't always get my share.” There's no time to cool their heels,
though, as a remote island hospital needs medical assistance before a storm
cuts them off and dooms their patients. Bravely venturing into the eye of the
storm, Donna and Taryn make their delivery, but on the return journey they find
themselves far off-course after a lightning strike. Ditching their plane on a
seemingly uninhabited island in the middle of the Pacific, you'd think they'd
be in trouble, but these ladies most definitely have it under control.
Meanwhile, at Computer Control Central (whatever that is), the hunt is
on for some sunken gold. Looted from Manila, it was intended to provide arms
for a military government in Japan post-WWII, but a storm put paid to that
idea. Now, Navy Captain Andreas (John Aprea, Picasso Trigger) and
Philippine government official Martinez (Rodrigo Obregón, Day of the Warrior) are on a mission to return that gold to its rightful owners …
but it's not quite that simple.
“Don't spend it all in one
piece HAHAHAHAHA!!!” In what turns out to be a plot line as complicated
as following a Three Card Monty game shuffled by a street wise pro, not only
does Captain Andreas have eyes on the gold for himself, but Martinez is in fact
a revolutionary rebel posing as a government official, and the apparent Major
from the U.S. Army is in fact another entirely separate infiltrator. Gee, that
does sound complicated, doesn't it? But wait! There's more! The Japanese
military officer who ordered the mission to transport the gold in the first
place – Admiral Inada (Dann Seki, Hawaii Five-O) – is on his
death bed and wishes for his final act on this earth to be one of restitution,
to admit the dishonour and shame which he has brought upon his family. However,
when his two men (who are part of the U.S. Navy's mission to retrieve the
gold) are themselves taken out and replaced by yet another two infiltrators
– Fu and Erik – things fly straight past complicated and end up in “You wot,
mate?” territory. Yes, there's double crosses afoot, but that's too simple
for an Andy Sidaris movie, isn't it? Of course, it is, that's why there's
double-double crosses in store once they rock up at the same island where Donna
and Taryn crash landed! Will our sunny blonde duo figure out what the hell is
going on? Is anyone who they say they are? Will Taryn's notoriously sticky
fingers get a share of that gold?
“Are you comfortable with a
big gun?” / “They have their advantages.” / “This baby's larger than most
anything around.” / “Well, I'm not as impressed with size as I am with
performance.” After somewhat losing Donna and Taryn amidst the
gargantuan ensemble cast of the previous entry in the series – Picasso Trigger (1988) – Savage Beach pushes the two ladies to the
fore once more, rekindling some of the fun and allure of 1987's Hard TicketTo Hawaii. They're resourceful, smart, brave, witty, and beautiful to boot,
and their combination of friendship and teamwork is one of the surprisingly
affecting aspects of their roles in these movies. They have a healthy sense of
humour, kick copious amounts of bottom, have each other's backs both physically
and emotionally, maintain profitable cover business Molokai Cargo, and on top
of all of that they enjoy their sexually liberated lives. So what if they're
stranded on a deserted island? They've got shelter and food sorted, so it's
most certainly time to have a sunset skinny dip!
“Bimbos? If you knew what
was good for you you wouldn't tie us up.” Mercifully for the audience, Savage
Beach gets off to a clear and focused start, unlike the disorienting whirlwind
of locations and assassinations that opened Picasso Trigger's convoluted
first half. Similarly, this fourth entry in Sidaris' series drops all of the
extraneous sub-plots and 'favour cameos' that dragged down the previous film …
it even rows back on cramming in so much gratuitous nudity (relatively
speaking, of course) in order to maintain a slick sense of pace. However,
while Savage Beach makes strides in screenwriting structure, it cannot
match the sheer shocking craziness of the previous two films, where
cancer-ridden snakes exploding out of toilets and multi-purpose weaponry hidden
inside an everyday crutch were just the tip of the insanity iceberg.
The movie isn't without its
moments of laugh-out-loud silliness, mind you, such as the moment when Donna
and Taryn apply camouflage to just their faces before venturing into lush
greens while wearing bright white tank tops, or when they simply must change
out of their rain-soaked clothes mid-flight smack-bang in the midst of a raging
tropical storm … surely that's an aviation no-no, up there with the celebratory
threesome in an escaping helicopter as seen in Caged Women (Leandro
Lucchetti, 1991)? It's also worth noting that amongst the cast is 1980s
movie legend Al Leong, who appeared in a wealth of classics from Bill &
Ted's Excellent Adventure to Die Hard, and Lethal Weapon to Big
Trouble In Little China. Bonus points awarded for that!
“I don't think that cute
blonde could kill anybody.” So, a third of the way through the
L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies saga of a dozen interconnected gun-toting kablammo boob
festivals and Hard Ticket To Hawaii is still the one to beat, with Picasso Trigger and Savage Beach each rising and falling to different
challenges by comparison. However, despite easing off the goofy throttle, the
more streamlined pace (which even sees the continuing gag of the expanding
Abilene family relegated to a footnote) as well as the focus on Donna and
Taryn does make for an awful lot of fun.
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