Piranha 3DD:
What's it about?
Sequel to Alexandre Aja's ultra-exploitation 2010 remake about killer fish chewing on nubile young things, this time directed by John Gulager (son of Clu, Director of the three Feast movies), and taking place in a water park where the life guards are "water certified strippers".
Who would I recognise in it?
Danielle Panabaker, David Koechner, Katrina Bowden, Ving Rhames, David Hasselhoff, Christopher Lloyd, Matt Bush, Gary Busey, Clu Gulager.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
With a diminished budget, and from a movie proudly boasting that it features David Hasselhoff, you know you're about to witness a turkey - and that's exactly what you get. Clocking in at a not-so-hefty 80 minutes, where 1/8th of the entire running time is end credits mixed with distinctly unfunny bloopers and excised moments (really), it's almost entirely flaccid. The direction is anonymous at best, inept at worst, and often veers into utterly moronic territory (even for a schlocky horror) with some truly awful dialogue and some achingly dull characters thrown into the unsatisfying mix. However...
Click "READ MORE" below to see the verdict on Piranha 3DD, and three other flicks...
While Panabaker has little to do, she's pleasant screen company, but the actual on-screen treats lie in the hands of Lloyd's wild-eyed marine biologist (reprising his role from the previous film, in one single, solitary scene), and Koechner's money-obsessed water park owner. There's a few choice moments spattered throughout the oh-so-patchy running time - such as a severed head motorboating a pair of surgically-enhanced boobs - but the entire endeavour lacks any real investment from most of those involved. The script is almost entirely garbage, and briefly-returning actors are clearly cashing pay cheques (but at least they're game to mug for the cameras). After the highly enjoyable previous entry from Aja, it's hard to believe Gulager & Co could have buggered this up quite so royally - but they did. Aside from a smattering of nudity and a couple of nifty set piece ideas (that are executed in routinely disappointing fashion), there's really nothing to hang around for. With a tighter and more enjoyable script, and far better direction, this could have been worthwhile. Shite, with a couple of alright moments.
Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome:
What's it about?
Third and final film in Mel Gibson's early 1980s run as the titular post-apocalypse outback-bound mythical hero surviving in a world where crazed gangs roam the landscape in search of precious petrol to fuel their monstrous vehicles ... except this lacklustre third entry is mostly about pig shit, feral children, and Tina Turner.
Who would I recognise in it?
Mel Gibson, Tina Turner, Bruce Spence.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
I put off seeing this flick for years, having heard some pretty bad things about it (I rather enjoyed the first two movies in the series), and it's certainly nothing special, as suspected. There's some interesting ideas here, and some cracking design filling the frame, but there's a disappointing lack of Max doing what he does best ... actually, there's not enough Max in general, and it's not until the final twenty minutes that we finally get what we want - brutal gangs of nutjobs having a car chase in spectacular vehicles as Mad Max lays down the law. Stylish, but with a confusing script, it looks the part but is surprisingly quite a let down. It's by no means as awful as I was expecting it to be, and generally as a post-apocalyptic movie it's pretty decent, but as a Mad Max film it's not good at all. Alright.
Seven Psychopaths:
What's it about?
Martin McDonagh's follow-up to 2008's superb In Bruges (but written before it), follows a range of psychopaths - why yes, seven of them - as Colin Farrel's alcoholic Irish-screenwriter-in-Hollywood tries to get to grips with his latest script while at the same time getting dragged in to a dog-napping business gone wrong when some gangsters come looking for the boss' kidnapped Shih Tzu.
Who would I recognise in it?
Colin Farrel, Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson, Christopher Walken, Olga Kurylenko, Michael Pitt, Michael Stuhlbarg, Abbie Cornish, Harry Dean Stanton, Kevin Corrigan, Gabourey Sidibe, Zelijko Ivanek, Tom Waits.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
Let's cut-to-the-chase, it's not quite as flat-out-fantastic as In Bruges, but McDonagh's self-aware, non-PC, genre-prodding style is just as evident. The pace and structure are a little uneven at times, but there's plenty of memorable characters thrown into a stew that's thick with batshit crazy nutters and ruminations on crime/thriller film conventions. Foul-mouthed yet witty, ultra-violent yet mindful, it's bloody good fun when all is said and done and the final bullet has been fired. It might not be quite as tight and direct as In Bruges, and doesn't always fire on all cylinders, but if you liked his 2008 tale of hit men hiding out in, well, Bruges, then you'll enjoy this. Good.
The Five Year Engagement:
What's it about?
A New York couple get engaged, but with the roadblocks and problems of life, love, and careers, they find themselves in snowy Michigan with their wedding constantly put on the back burner.
Who would I recognise in it?
Jason Segel, Emily Blunt, Alison Brie, Rhys Ifans, Chris Pratt, David Paymer, Kevin Hart, Brian Posehn.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
Directed by Nicholas Stoller, who also co-writes with Segel, it's from the same team who brought you the hilarious Forgetting Sarah Marshall. The most important element here is the central relationship, so it's pleasing to see that Segel & Blunt have a real on-screen chemistry that makes the two hour running time flow smoothly. Genuinely laugh-out-loud funny, it's a more mature (relatively speaking) effort after FSM's raunchy relationship woes, and the not-that-brilliant Get Him To The Greek's rock star excesses. The supporting cast are no slouches either, with not a single weak-link in the bunch. Warm-hearted, guffaw-inducing, and decidedly satisfying, the central duo of Segel/Blunt are worth the price of admission alone. Good.
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