Double Bill Mini Musings: Decidedly meh, even rubbish...

The Incredible Melting Man:
For some reason three astronauts have gone on a mission into space to gawp at the sun from nearby Saturn, then something happens and the sole survivor is back on earth and has been transformed into the eponymous purveyor of immovable carpet stains. The flick is really only worthwhile for fans of naff genre flicks, or - more admirably perhaps - Rick Baker's gloriously gloopy make-up effects work. Baker's work is the real draw of the flick - indeed there are numerous scenes where we just sit there and watch the titular enemy of Cillit Bang, drip runny snot-like blobs of gooey flesh from his form (the final meltdown is good fun after an all-too-long, not-terribly-exciting chase sequence).

When it comes to the script, and indeed the acting, I can't tell whether it's deliberately - or accidentally - trying to be a bit pants. It's like the movie is trying to be tongue-in-cheek, but the jokes (if you can be so generous) seem to have been lost in translation to any of the actors, whose performances are wooden to say the least ... its as if they're trying to be the antithesis of the very much fluid lead. When the gloop isn't glooping, and when heads aren't getting lopped off, it does get rather tedious ... which is a shame, because in terms of production design it's pretty good (they certainly squeezed every drop out of their time at industrial locations).


The Hills Have Eyes II:
Wes Craven's original was pretty good - not great, but good - and the Alexandre Aja remake has been one of the rare instances in which a remake has been worthwhile. However, Craven's sequel is a woeful mistake (mirrored by the unconnected sequel to Aja's remake - featuring the worst military recruits America has to offer - which was beyond crap). Making liberal use of flashbacks to the original film (including one for Beast - the dog from the original movie!) to pad out the skimpy running time (which, ironically, moves by slower than a glacier), the vast majority of the new footage is risible at best - a bunch of cardboard teens (who are off to the desert to race dirt bikes) yomping around the wrong part of the desert being total morons.

There's initial - very brief - promise when the flick begins with one of the survivors of the original moving suffering mental anguish several years later, still trying to cope ... but what could have made for an interesting personal struggle is ditched after 15 padded-out minutes in favour of idiots making useless decisions (except for the aforementioned survivor, who makes the only smart choice in the entire movie - to not go to the ruddy desert!). Hills II is one of the worst examples of the horror genre - when those who moan about the genre dismiss it off-hand, it's movies like this that they're referencing - utterly witless, inane, bore-fests with little merit even to die hard horror hounds.

However - there is one plus - the soundtrack. Having not noticed in the credits, a short while through I recognised the unmistakable similarity in feel to the soundtracks for the early Friday 13th films - and sure enough, Harry Manfredini scored this stinker, and while the movie is indeed a rotten load of old nonsense, the score is classic, chilling, Manfredini.

It's a strange thing - Wes Craven had done so well with the likes of Last House on the Left, the original The Hills Have Eyes, and A Nightmare On Elm Street, but what on earth was he thinking with this?! That said, as bad as it is, it's not even as atrocious as the unforgivably wretched 2007 follow-up to Aja's 2006 gore-ific irradiated remake.

Triple Bill Mini Musings: Beverly Hills Cop Trilogy...

Beverly Hills Cop:
Until the other day I had never seen any of these movies, but now I've seen them all. The first flick is a fun slice of 1980s action comedy - there's a sense of something big starting to it all, Murphy's career, the Don Simpson/Jerry Bruckheimer juggernaut, and the theme tune that overloaded a million keyboards. A bit tame by today's standards both in terms of comedy and action, but even coming to it fresh so many years after it was released, it's a good fun time.

Beverly Hills Cop 2:
The same as the first, but everything's bigger. Respective careers were sky rocketing, the action is tougher and punchier, the comedy is a bit broader, and Judge Reinhold is properly used this time around. Another good fun time.

Beverly Hills Cop 3:
Good God, what the hell is this shit?! The thing with sequels is that there is an established style and approach to the franchise - a film like Die Hard 4 lives up to the established vibe, but BHC3 takes the formula and sucks all the style and intelligence out of it. The opening action sequence flips wildly from stupid 'comedy' (the two blokes dancing at the camera) to sudden-gear-change 'drama' when Foley's boss gets killed.

The park ride action sequence is pointless, the key criminals are boring and toothless, that stupid gigantic gun (with a microwave and CD player attached) is beyond inappropriately dumb, the constant call backs to the previous two movies feel tacked on at best, and halting at worst (e.g. Serj turning up for useless exposition about the art gallery and setting up the key chain flash bomb and the aforementioned huge-and-stupid gun), and generally speaking it just feels cringe worthy.

You can sense Murphy's career beginning to stall and go into self-parody and dim-witted mugging-to-camera ... the fat suits aren't far away at this point. Reinhold is relegated to pointless side character territory (a shame considering his entertaining turn in the second movie) and everything just feels like one big disaster. It's cheesy - in a bad way - it's boring, dull, unfunny and the action lacks any sense of punch.

I'd only heard bad things about BHC3, so my sights were set very low - but even that wasn't low enough. A truly awful movie. If we ever get a fourth movie I do hope they fully recognise just how piss poor the third one was.

P2...

Honestly, with Alexandre Aja co-writing this parking lot terroriser, I expected more. Switchblade Romance was a deliciously gore-soaked, nerve-shredding, twisted slasher flick - it should be noted that France doesn't "do" horror movies 99.9% of the time, but Switchblade showed there was no reason they shouldn't be.

Then Aja followed that skull-crushing blood feast with a remake. Now yes, in this day and age there's far too many remakes, however not all remakes are bad, some pretty effective...but many are gash and uninspired - at least of late, most of which circle the horror genre like a starving Hyena. The Hills Have Eyes was the target this time, a pretty fair one at that. The original film wasn't incredible, but nor was it atrocious, and this time round Craven was back on board - a much better situation than the name-raping bucket-of-shit crap-fests sticking themselves to George Romero's coat-tails (Day of the Dead 2008 - need I say more? How about Day of the Dead: Contagium ... or Creepshow 3).

Indeed, Hills 2006 was a production of respect and genuinely went for a terrorising thrill. The flick went for the audience's jugular, not as gimmick, but from pure and honest intention. In some ways Aja's vision improved on the original (I personally preferred the new third act - taking place in a mock American town circa the Cold War - over the original's mountain-based escapades). In other ways it simply matched the original's nasty attitude, with the odd hint of cheap scares here and there. However, over-the-piece it was a surprisingly genre-loving effort from Aja & Co.

Now here we are with P2. Prior to this we've had the most visceral throat slice ever committed to film. We've had decapitation by chest of drawers, axes hacking off limbs, the whole KNB-riffing side show. P2 however, despite being nestled amidst the adult ratings of respective territories, feels neutered. Only two significantly gory set pieces shadow the 90-odd minute running time.

What happens for the rest? Nothing much, the dark parking garage setting is spooky, but not menacing. The antagonist feels Dawson's Creek bad guy, rather than deranged nutjob ... what it feels like, is a diet meal. You've had a taste, but now you're ready for the main course ... only then do you realise this is a bit like if Weight Watchers made a horror movie. Gore isn't everything of course, but in horror you have to have tension and chills, but this is sadly lacking those as well.

It feels like it could have been a sinister, rather crafty short subject, but nothing more than that. Mind you, Aja merely co-wrote this piece ... but still, considering his name is splashed all over it, you honestly expect more.