“We need to figure out what
just happened … let's unload and hit the jacuzzi. I do my best thinking there.”
Where on earth do you start with a movie like this? From the heyday of Cinemax
(or 'Skin-emax' as it was nicknamed) comes this none-more-80s explosion
of exotic locations, big hair, bigger guns, rampant nudity, and a giant snake
contaminated with weaponised cancer … yes, you read that right, and it's far
from the only utterly insane thing that happens in this flick...
Click “READ MORE” below to
continue the review and see more screenshots…
“Are you kidding? I've got
better things to do with my body temperature.” Loosely connected to its
predecessor Malibu Express (1985), Hard Ticket To Hawaii
is the second entry in what could essentially be considered a 'cinematic
universe', that being the crazed world of Andy Sidaris. Spanning twelve movies
from the mid-1980s to the late 1990s, the essential ingredients can be summed
up with the various titles afforded to the boxed set collections: bullets,
bombs, and babes as well as guns, girls, and g-strings. With various
recurring actors and characters with little story details picked up where
previous movies left off, the experience for the viewer is akin to peeking into
an alternative universe where absolutely nothing is taken seriously.
“I'll have a pair of
coffee.” On the Hawaiian island of Molokai, two local police officers
head into the lush greenery to collect their pay-off from a family-run
marijuana operation, only to find themselves in for a rude surprise when a
well-armed force traps kills them without a second thought. It looks like this
tropical paradise is about to turn into a war zone! Meanwhile, DEA agent – and
pilot for agency cover operation Molokai Cargo – Donna (Playboy Playmate
Dona Spier and one of Sidaris' regular actresses, e.g. Savage Beach)
has a honeymooning couple and a boa constrictor to transport with the help of
Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton, Slumber Party Massacre III, Picasso Trigger), a
civilian under witness protection who seems to spend an awful lot of the movie
telling other people that she is in witness protection! But wait a minute – due
to a warehouse slip-up they're actually transporting the aforementioned snake
that is contaminated with some kind of weaponised cancer that it contracted
from a bunch of lab rats. Yep, you're right, folks, this movie is fucking crazy
– and it's only just got started!
“If brains were bird shit
you'd have a clean cage.” Donna and Taryn stumble into the
diamond-smuggling ring that is run by slick 80s movie villain-looking dude Seth
Romero (Rodrigo Obregón, Collateral Damage) on behalf of
half-British, half-Chinese (but definitely not in the slightest bit Chinese
in appearance) drug lord and katana sword enthusiast Mr Chang (Peter
Bromilow). After heading back to their beach house – to investigate the
mysterious package while topless in a jacuzzi, as you do – Donna and Taryn are
assailed by two of Romero's goons. Now the ladies are in real trouble: said
goons want the rest of the diamonds back, the contaminated snake is now on the
loose, and Romero's none-too-happy that he's been shot in the face! Time for
some backup – step forward fellow agents Rowdy Abilene (Ronn Moss, The Bold
& The Beautiful) and Jade (Harold Diamond). Load up that
rocket launcher and buy the hard ticket to Hawaii!
“Man, he must be smoking
some heavy doobies.” There's no two ways about it, this movie has to be
seen to be believed. Take, for instance, the scene in which Rowdy and Jade are
attacked by one of Romero's goons, who shows up rolling down a public road on a
skateboard while doing a handstand, only to swoop back – using a blow-up sex
doll as cover – to attempt an assassination. It goes badly for the goon, so
very wrong indeed, because Rowdy retaliates by blasting him (and the
harmless blow-up doll!) out of the sky with a four-barrelled rocket
launcher. Why? Because he's a terrible shot when it comes to bullets, but
projectile explosives? He's a crack shot with stellar precision. So keen is
Rowdy on the versatility (in his hands) of the rocket launcher, he even
uses it for combat scenarios while indoors! This whole sequence isn't the only
time the viewer will have to pause, say “hold on, wait a minute” with
shocked awe, before rewinding and re-watching, because there's still a
weaponised Frisbee and an entire sub-plot revolving around the deadly
adventures of the contaminated snake (and much more!!!) to behold.
“I don't wanna control your
life, all I wanna do is suck the polish right off your toes.” As
previously noted, Hard Ticket To Hawaii was a big hit during the golden
age of premium cable exploitation movies. What does that mean? A boatload of
nudity, of course. From buxom gals to buff dudes, the dress code for Molokai
tops out at a fetching blazer-and-shorts combo but mostly consists of day-glo
bikinis or nothing at all. Even the island's uniforms skew towards the skimpy:
just see Donna and Taryn's Molokai Cargo outfits – voluminous blonde hair,
aviators, cut-off sleeves, short-shorts, and no bra required. Well, I suppose
it does get quite hot and sweaty in Hawaii. But don't let that fool you into
thinking it's all about salaciousness, as those uniforms are still utilitarian
as hell 'cos the boots come equipped with throwing stars!
“If you go down on her
you'll be kissing the back of my head 'cos I'm already gonna be there. I think
you know what I mean.” The movie will regularly have the viewer stunned
into submission with its sights that can't quite be believed, but it will also
clobber you over the head with some of its bizarre supporting characters. An
exchange between a New York TV producer (played by Sidaris himself) and
a budding actress in the island's go-to social hub Edy's, leaves the viewer
blind sided. In light of recent times, dialogue like this: “You practically
raped me last night.” / “That was last night Charlotte, this is today. I
care for your mind, I don't care for your body any more, I'm not into that.”
absolutely wouldn't slide, but this was 1987 and the 'casting couch' was still
very much a secret, albeit a strangely quite open one. Curiouser still is the
fact that this whole exchange, topped off with a Carry On-esque double
entendre, never bothers the rest of the plot ever again. The same can be said
of the inclusion of the TV producer's sportcaster buddy Jimmy John Jackson (Wolf
Larson) and his obsession with prescription vitamins that turn your whizz a
colour sure to leave others jealous … wait, what?! Never mind, doesn't
matter, have I mentioned Michelle yet?
“I've just found a cure for
my boredom, I'll just pretend I'm in a James Bond movie.” This flick couldn't be
more 80s if it tried. Martial arts, nun-chucks, exotic locations, and glamorous
people were as ubiquitous as back-combed hair. Throw in a blazing yellow Sony
Handycam Sports camcorder, a beeper that's also somehow a radio, heavily chewed
dialogue that's a mix of cornball terrible and downright awesome, a theme song
that's so cheesy it's a full blown Fondue party, elaborate credit sequences as
well as 'Merica, fuck yeah! style ass-kicking, and you've got an entire
era of fast food Americana rolled into one movie.
N.B. Screenshots are taken from the double-sided 3-disc DVD collection "Girls, Guns, and G-Strings". A superior looking Blu-Ray edition of this film is now available to buy.
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