Wednesday, 3 September 2008

The Happening...

M. Night Shyamalan - PLEASE STOP WRITING, PRODUCING AND DIRECTING IMMEDIATELY.

Yep, late to the party on this one, but surely that's a good thing, would you want to be on time to a really shit event? Would you? No you wouldn't, not unless it meant you could leave again within 60 seconds and have the memory purged from your brain and then get handed a bundle of compensation cash.

Seriously - people literally run away from the wind. I thought that was just a vague summary of the movie, but it literally happens and is at least twice as daft as people running away from flash-freezing in that other enviro-botherer flick The Day After Tomorrow...but at least that was somewhat decent...somewhat.

Lets back track for a moment shall we:

The Sixth Sense - everyone raved about it, I wasn't at all fussed and thought it was far too slow paced for what is ultimately a movie about Bruce Willis being a ghost, and Haley Joel Osment preserving his childish innocence on screen before his expected descent into ex-child star debauchery and sleaze.

Unbreakable - I liked this better than Sixth Sense, but again, it was only alright. By the end, we're now ALWAYS expecting "what a twist" endings from this guy.

Signs - decent...until the attacking aliens are found to be killed by water...they invaded a planet that is 70% water, populated by people who are similarly composed. FUCKING STUPID! FUCK YOU, SHYAMALAN!

The Village - absolute garbage, the "what a twist" ending is of no surprise, nor of any interest. Similarly slow paced and restrained, but in a bad way, rather than a prestigious way.

Lady In The Water - didn't even bother watching it as I knew it'd be pish.

The Happening - heard it was awful, therefore wanted to see it so I could join in with the universal mockery, plus was actually curious to see how bad MNS has gotten at filmmaking.

...

So let's see, gripes with the film? Oh yes, in abundance...so here's a few off the top of my head (thinking about it, I should have done a bitch list from the off...nevermind eh?)

* 95% of the performances are poorly directed and envisioned, I was alright with Marky Mark (in fact he was one of the better aspects of the film), and the dude with the fake-looking beard and wonky eye who absolutely loves plants and hot dogs seemed like a nice bloke. Otherwise, everyone was anywhere between "meh" and absolutely fucking shit. Preposterously named Zooey Deschaniel was on the latter end of the scale with a performance that was so uneven, and at times downright robotic and uninterested, I really did wonder if she was having a secret joke with someone.

* Yes, by all means, leave your beloved child behind so you can run off to a partially poisoned zone to look for your wife, therefore orphaning your child, you stupid, heartless bastard.

* Holy crap - it's Brian O'Halloran ... what's he doing in this movie? We see a bit of his face, he says nothing, then he undercranks his jeep into a tree at about 20mph and kills himself...*sigh*...the man deserves better than this by far.

* Wasn't at all creeped out by the mass suicides, couldn't have given a single turd about all that - which just reeks of epic fail.

* Crazy lady in the old house - rubbish.

* Seemingly, every apparently abandoned-for-years house is populated, and actually in use.

* Literally, they all run away from wind. By this time the suicides are actually boring!

* Constant, ham-fisted "save the environment" messaging ... you're not winning anyone over with this sort of shit. In fact, I might go outside to fart a few times and hyperventilate while burning plastic for a laugh. (Obviously I won't, cos I'm not a shit, unlike this film, which IS shit).

...

Seriously, it's so-so-so-so-so-so-so-so-so-so-so-so-so-so, super-super-super AWFUL. Admittedly Day of the Bulgarian Zombie Name Raping Remake ('Day of the Dead 2008' a la Steve Miner) is worse than this, and took the title of worst film of 2008 long ago, but The Happening is the closest second place in the history of second-to-lasts.

Jesus Christ swinging a candy cane around, this is an absolutely pish excuse for a film. I mean fucking hell ... geez.

1 comment:

Hicks37 said...

All out bad movie, I agree. Running from the wind? Plants that communicate and want to kill us if we are in big groups (as if just one person can't set a fire...)? That cause "high-functioning" beings to commit suicide like mindless robots? And the scary part of this movie is - what?!? I was looking at my watch throughout the show, groaning inwardly when I saw time seemed to be creeping along as slowly as the movie. I like Mark Wahlberg over-all as an actor, and he was the only one I liked in this movie. John Leguizamo is usually pretty decent (although best as a bad guy type), but his role in this movie could've been given to an unknown, for all the acting time he got. I, too, could have cared less when people began killing themselves - the scenes were unimaginative and insipid. There was no kind of shock factor or creativity whatsoever in the whole movie and I was sorely ticked off when I exited the theater that I had contributed money toward that schlock.