Monday, 23 June 2008

Zombie Nosh aka Flesheater: The Bitch List Part 1...

Same idea as before, take a zombie movie that I think is rubbish, watch it through whilst making a list of humorously-put complaints.

So here's the new one, Bill Hinzman's "Zombie Nosh" otherwise known as "Flesheater" ... oh dear indeed.

1) Starring, Co-Edited, Co-Written, Story By, Produced and Directed by Bill Hinzman ... whose animated face leaps out and "rars" at us.
2) Poncy Bible quote.
3) Rubbish audio (at least the opening theme was actually pretty nifty though).
4) More rubbish audio as the group of teens, who don't have access to a car, get a really slow tractor ride through the woods.
5) Denim overload! Denim overload!
6) Dodgy editing, blundering straight into a 'what might happen to us here in the woods' story, complete with a bloke whose name is preceded by "Old Man", because this is the country after all.
7) Couple kiss really slowly, we keep looking at them like right perverts, everybody else is either a bastard or an idiot.
8) Tractor porn is what you need just before discovering an insanely shallow grave, that still takes forever to unearth.
9) Smoke appears from nowhere to reveal Bill Hinzman still hasn't gotten over being that zombie from Night of the Living Dead ... he's so not over it, that he takes out a farmer, intermittently looking at the camera to show off how boss he is.
10) Teenagers ... in the woods ... listening to crap rock music ... dancing in denim ... with no camping equipment to hand ... why didn't they just go to someone's house and drink there? For no reason, a girl starts stripping, we need some tits!
11) Farmer zombie continues the trend of zombies being acutely aware that a camera is right in front of them.
12) Kissy couple are now at some random barn, lets have some more tits shall we? But first, lets have some really boring acting ... oh my god, they actually 'fixed up' this hay ride on purpose?! These middle-aged-teenagers really know how to rock, eh?
13) Lets perve on some more sloppy-sounding kissing, you can almost hear Hinzman's drool hitting the floor as another pair of tits pop out.
14) Hinzman's back, growling a lot, throwing people around like a wrestler, and skewering dummies in close up.
15) Zombie perv wrestles with half-naked idiot and tears her heart out of her stomach. Two down, too many to go.
16) More awful dialogue, more terrible acting ... they all search for fire wood.
17) Lame fake scare, anybody who was scared by that is either a toddler or an actual idiot. Seriously, why bother?
18) Another lame fake scare ... this bunch of kids are really ill prepared. Not enough beer, not enough fags, no blankets or tents ... they deserve to die quite frankly.
19) The most un-exciting zombie attack ... thus far.
20) I can't believe this was written ... on paper ... I really can't.
21) The poodle perms and mullets knock together an escape plan, two of whom run into two of their dead-now-zombie friends. These seriously are some of the worst zombies I've ever seen.
22) The inevitable 'board this place up' montage, then find a gun, then immediately start saying 'fuck them' about your mates.
23) I wonder how much more of Night of the Living Dead is going to plundered poorly in the next hour?
24) Good lord this is terrible ... the dialogue ... the so-called story ... the acting ... the editing ... the audio ... the cinematography, jesus.
25) It's 11pm, yet there's still sometimes daylight to be had, then all of a sudden it's pitch black and Hinzman's gone straight for the phone line in a sudden explosion of cliche juice.
26) What an absolutely piss-poor, half-assed, lazy boarding-up job that is.
27) "OH MY GOD!" - nuff said (Kim gets yanked out the window).
28) "OH MY GOD!" - this is the worst reloading of a shotgun I've ever seen.
29) Everybody's carking it left, right and centre. Despite a few snippets of average, cheap-as-chips gore, it's all so awfully awful.
30) Huge glasses dispatch to Harv...lulz were had.
31) There must only be this one piece of music in the entire film.
32) Not only more TITS, but some MUFF as well ... Hinzman continues to use filmmaking as an excuse to perv on young women.
33) The towel's on (not for long no doubt), and Susan has the most boring teenager's bedroom ever.
34) "My husband gets home" ... how about calling him "Dad" when talking to your daughter?
35) Since when do zombies knock on your door?
36) And since when do zombies set up an ambush ... and not only that, but a double ambush?!
37) Hinzman zombie goes upstairs to properly perv on the daughter, making sure he feels her up, then yanks off the towel so he can nibble on her chesticles.
38) This same piece of music is still going on, is this track 85 minutes long?
39) Dad's back, but doesn't call out for his wife, he calls out for Susan? Despite not being all that bothered about his dead daughter, he does at least cover her up ... until she reanimates, thus excusing yet another titty shot ... a zombie titty shot.

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