Monday, 23 June 2008

Zombie Nosh aka Flesheater: The Bitch List Part 2...

Part One is below, or via this link:

40) The rozzer shoots one zombie through the closed window of his car, which doesn't break. The bullet passes through without breaking it ... I know, stupid isn't it?
41) "I shot two in the head, I think they're dead!" - you reckon?!
42) Why didn't you lock your damn door, ya fool? You'll get no pity from me, mate.
43) With almost everybody we've seen thus far dead or zombified, let's introduce some more cannon fodder.
44) This must be the most boring marriage on earth if all they've got to talk about is how fast they ran out of halloween candy.
45) Let's all shout a bunch of cliched lines, that'll convince farmer man!
46) The lowest budget news you've ever seen, as brought to you on top of half a tree.
47) Farmer's wife is now dead all of a sudden, and of course her shirt needs to be open.
48) Quick! More lifeless characters are needed cos we keep killing everybody off every five minutes to try and distract people from how utterly crap this apparent movie is.
49) This party is seriously lame, a handful of people in fancy dress. A bunch of idiots having the least convincing fun you've ever seen.
50) The sound's gone all screwy, hiss-mania and yet more crap-tacular 'acting'!
51) Quick! More sex! More titties!
52) "Drink beer and rape us girls" ... for some reason that's just a really bizarre line of dialogue for this moment.
53) "Are you alright?" "Yes! No!" ... lulz.
54) Some people didn't come to this party?! EVERYBODY didn't come to this shitty excuse for a gathering.
55) You must believe me! Look, all my fingers are fully extended, therefore I'm telling the truth!
56) You ARE in a cheesy zombie flick.
57) "OH MY GOD!" ... again ... man this just sucks deeper and deeper with every passing minute. I mean this movie is literally balls deep right now.
58) Hinzman returns yet again, whips out her baps, and sticks his hands literally in between them ... jesus tap dancing christ this is perverted.
59) The continued Night of the Living Dead tea-leafing continues, except with totally unconvincing dialogue, piss-poor acting, terrible editing, sound, cinematography, direction ... need I go on? ... Might as well for a chuckle.
60) Fuck me that lip-synching on the megaphone is daft.
61) Oh now it's all because of a Satanic cult? But lets just throw that aside, we don't do plot around these parts.
62) Hold on guys! Let me use my binoculars to check out two zombies a mere 20ft away!
63) Fuck me sideways these are some silly zombies.
64) Really OTT zombie growling precedes the worst huntsmen you've ever seen.
65) Yes, blow his head off, then shoot him about 10 more times.
66) Yet another zombie with their arms out wide at right angles looking like a right prat. Clearly there was no zombie coaching on this flick.
67) Watch out whilst I take ages to react and you get stuck in a bush!
68) Pretty nifty gore, but mixed with yet another titty shot with a side order of muff ... but it's zombie T&M and who wants to see that except Bill Hinzman?
69) Oh yeah, those two denim gang members are still hiding out, perfect time to have a soppy-ass heart-to-heart. Yes, go away and forget about all your friends getting massacred and turned into zombies ... yeah ... a trip to Florida will cure that mental scarring.
70) These two don't half tempt fate.
71) Vince Survinski turns up to do exactly what he did in the original Night of the Living Dead, the cinematic theft concludes ... but then again, they were utter fate tempters dressed in denim and sporting a poodle perm and a mullet.
72) Yes, lets burn down a barn that's apparently filled with zombies we haven't seen entering it, but safe enough to venture into. This must be the big finale, burning down a buggered out old barn...gripping.
73) There's an awful lot of long, drawn out shots of cars driving down dirt roads in this movie, isn't there?
74) So all the zombies left got burned up, except Bill Hinzman's "Flesheater", who is totally intact ... well, you have to get him glaring into the camera lens at least once more, don't you?
75) Christ, I can't believe this actually got made ... what the hell is a "special guest key grip"?! ... and not even a Special Thanks to Romero ... and the DVD's just crashed ... sums it up really. Rubbish.

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