Malibu Express (Andy Sidaris, 1985) Review

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“You really are a horse shit at showing emotion, but I like that in a man.” The first part (of twelve) in Andy Sidaris' “L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies” series doesn't pack the same punch as its follow-up Hard Ticket To Hawaii, but the writer/director's heady mix of beautiful babes, muscular men, brash action, and corny dialogue was clearly the state of play from the very beginning. At the heart of the somewhat baffling plot – a vague remake of the director's own 1973 début feature film Stacey – is a Private Investigator, a wealthy family, and a scheme to sell America's computer technology to the communists – and a hell of moustache...

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Jungle Warriors (Ernst R. von Theumer, 1984) DVD Review

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“I find ways to amuse myself.” In the steamy South American jungle a group of models have arrived for a photo shoot, just as a major drug deal is about to go down. Cesar Santiago (Paul L. Smith, Crimewave) is a major producer of cocaine and all-round ruthless drug lord, while Vito Mastranga (John Vernon, Dirty Harry) is an American crime boss who's got the money and connections to shift Santiago's powder. There's a mountain of money to be made, but will their respective arrogance turn the whole deal sour?

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Chained Heat (Paul Nicolas, 1983) DVD Review

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“Where hot desire melts cold prison steel!” The 'women in prison' genre enjoyed it's heyday during the 1970s and 1980s, shifting from Nazi camps, sweaty foreign locales, and South East Asian revolutions, to down-town Los Angeles, criminal conspiracies, and the abused inmates rioting against an inherently abusive system. Regardless of the framing – be it the concrete jungle or the actual jungle – copious nudity, savage gal-on-gal fights, torture, domination, humiliation, drugs, guns, and lead-fuelled vengeance (or any combination thereof) was the order of the day. Naturally, with such an influx of 'WIP' films, the quality varied immensely, but some of the greatest entries included Jack Hill's iconic double-whammy of The Big Doll House (1971) and The Big Bird Cage (1972), as well as Paul Nicolas' (real-name Lutz Schaarwachter) 1983 festival of flesh & action Chained Heat.

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Double Bill Mini Musings: Iron Men & Iron Bars...

Iron Man 3
What's it about?
If you don't know about Iron Man by now, then where have you been? Tony Stark/Iron Man comes unstuck when international terrorist The Mandarin starts causing global chaos while the 'extremis' biological development only makes things worse.
Who would I recognise in it?
Robert Downey Jr, Gweneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Ben Kingsley, Rebecca Hall, Jon Favreau, James Badge Dale, William Sadler, Paul Bettany, Miguel Ferrer.
Great/Good/Alright/Shite?
Better than the second, not as good as the first. In spite of few plot holes and story jumps, the script is breezy and sassy enough to make this a hell of a fun ride. Director and Co-Writer Shane Black works his sardonic magic - a summer blockbuster that's set at Christmas, a precocious kid side-kick, innumerable withering put-downs, and an audience-splitting 180 degree blindsiding reveal, all make this a thoroughly enjoyable time. Some might gripe that 'there's not enough Iron Man in it', but there's plenty of iron-fisted mayhem come the finale. Focusing more on Tony Stark this time around makes things more personal and ties up some loose character ends - Iron Man 3 is, after all, the beginning of 'Marvel Phase II' after the billion-dollar juggernaut that was The Avengers. Much better that they play with the formula somewhat rather than just stick rigidly to the same old tricks we've seen before. Good.

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