Friday, 14 March 2008

68 reasons why Children of the Living Dead sucks arse...

Following hot on the heels of the bitch lists for Ghey08 (the Day of the Dead remake) and Yawn04 (the Dawn of the Dead remake), here comes the bitch list for Children of the Living Dead (supposedly the 'real' sequel to Night of the Living Dead ... to which the world sighed and rolled their eyes).

As any self-respecting dead fan should know, Children of the Living Dead is a shite-fest, but here's why I think it's a load of ropey old gash:

The Children of the Living Dead Bitch List:

1) I'm already underwhelmed, ha!
2) No muzzle flash for us, please.
3) Atrocious ADR, heck, the audio is just laughable in general. Still no muzzle flashes...I smell cheap.
4) Some of these zombies are actually dying without headshots, and from indiscriminate scattergunning.
5) Nobody seems to be talking on set, or on screen the majority of the time! At least Savini is awesome.
6) Finally! Muzzle flash! "Surprise" - indeed I am, that word literally came from nowhere.
7) Oh my crap those grave stones are stupid ... just stupid ... I mean really stupid.
8) Lead zombie ... lulz were had.
9) That zombie came from out of plain sight! And that magazine fell out of the gun. Why waste a shedload of ammo? How did you miss Abbot Hayes - the lead zombie? How can a marksman miss so much? Did this zombie just laugh? Damn it's strong...and now the best part of the movie has been killed off (Savini's "Hughes").
10) There's so much Night of the Living Dead poaching going on right now...
11) Seriously, I've seen cheapo Euro-zombi flicks knocked together more professionally than this.
12) 14 years later ... that's how long the first 15 minutes feels. Now we're ripping off Texas Chainsaw Massacre now?
13) Jesus, the audio is really bad...
14) Groups of teenagers all smoke, drink and bicker with each other copiously, and there's always one complete twat in said group. FACT...apparently.
15) So twat-face was one of the kids in that barn - presumably all herded together by Abbott Hayes...lame.
16) Heading off to a concert ... more TCM plagiarism.
17) An exceptionally lame car crash happens because they were staggered by that retarded Abbott Hayes zombie walk.
18) Since when are coffins left open at a funeral? Also, why specifically just one?
19) What?! This myriad of coffins are still above ground?! Common sense must have been left behind a dumpster somewhere.
20) Immaculate dead bodies - despite being smashed up in a van that rolled off a cliff.
21) Why are these coffins locked so tight, yet absolutely not underground?
22) Weird-ass jackal laugh.
23) Hayes bites the dead ... and then they resurrect? Common sense is getting a solid gang-raping here.
24) "Not again!" - then why didn't you bury the coffins straight away instead of leaving them unburied in a field?!
25) Hayes seems to think he's Michael Myers.
26) One person is supposed to bury five loaded coffins?!
27) Thick & fast cliches, thick & fast CSR - common sense rape.
28) How long are Hayes' fingers?!
29) But if he's creating his own zombie army, why bite someone and then bury them?!
30) Another year later?! So a third of the movie is all preface? Also, despite 15 years movement in time, everything still looks exactly the same - cars, fashion, everything is 2001 - lame.
31) Christ this movie is bad...in all aspects...ugh...
32) Hayes has has a drooling problem by the sounds of things ... middle of nowhere ... ideal for a car dealership, I'm sure.
33) I can't believe all these people got duped into being in this turd bonanza.
34) Jesus, this ADR is atrocious...if people talk on camera, it's out-of-synch, otherwise most people talk off-screen or are turned away from camera!
35) Set...crumbling...actors...eating it all...
36) How on earth can they profess this garbage to have anything to do with Night of the Living Dead?!
37) We hear rain ... but we don't see it. You know what else we hear? Jackal-laugh.
38) Why move your car a few feet from your parking space, stop it, and then go into the motel reception? Do we really need a scene (especially one that long) so the latest protagonist can find a diner?
39) So the Hayes army are leaving a dead dog as what, a warning? Lame.
40) This dialogue is melting my brain...it really is.
41) Abbott was raised as Alana, eh? Christ this film blows.
42) 'How would you like to go out on a cliched, uninspiring date with me?' *sigh*
43) Apparently the hard-of-hearing answer the phone by shouting "what?!"
44) Yeah, just leave the room filling up with gas, don't try to stop it or anything because clearly that would be stupid, right? Why call somebody to turn it off, when you can just turn it off yourself - like you finally did?
45) According to that list there needs to be a body in the coffin? According to common sense there should be one there, you nob'ed. More sucky dialogue gushes forth.
46) Sucky date ... to a cemetery ... the rape of common sense is unstoppable!
47) Massive shadows for night-time, eh? Suddenly day time again - is this concurrent to the sucky date? Did they just cut out the sucky date? What's going on?
48) This town has no idea how to bury coffins, two feet down? Geez.
49) Later, at the "OFF ICE", somebody off-camera illuminates another sucky zombie scene with a torch.
50) Next morning - no blood or left overs to be found ... the entire plot has suddenly become exceptionally imcomprehensible.
51) "Zombies?" - because that's what you'd honestly say in real life.
52) Lamest car action ever, ridiculously sped up.
53) More lame day-for-night, another scene lit only by a torch.
54) "Help me lock the doors" - let's NOT see them lock said doors.
55) Immediately the fuzz arrive ... zombies are scared of the light?
56) Why is there a diffused filter inside, but not outside, on the camera?
57) Dead phones eh? Cliche much? Dead battery - but the phone suddenly works.
58) Another torch-lit scene, accompanying more atrocious dialogue.
59) "Living zombies"? An attempt to link this pile of shite to Romero's intensely superior Night of the Living Dead.
60) Suddenly everybody was a kid in that barn 15 years ago ... christ this movie is a mess.
61) Despite two previous zombie outbreaks, the fat cop guy struggles to convince the gun toters it's happened again, then they're all entirely convinced...the incoherence knows no bounds.
62) Everybody runs out like an idiot into an incredibly lame battle.
63) Why does that guy commentate on everything he does?
64) Hilarious roaming flame illuminates Abbott Hayes, who just stands around moaning. This happens several times in this absolutely cack scene.
65) Hayes suddenly appears in the dark with that daft waitress, but doesn't attack her, then he's gone. I'm absolutely flabbergasted by the sheer volume of stupidity. This movie is a complete and total mess, it really...really...really is.
66) "Don't make contact with their teeth" ... lulz were had.
67) Abbott Hayes is STILL farting around in the dark.
68) Thank FUCK this garbage is over...except for the shite credits. I can't believe I forgot how awful this sad, pathetic excuse for a movie is...I mean really...it's astonishing.

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