Saturday, 8 March 2008

110 reasons in 110 minutes why Dawn04 is crap: Part 2...

*Part 1 is below, or via here: *

56) Oh yeah, that Andy guy...let's chuck him in again to make 17 protagonists!
57) 47 minutes, Max Headroom has a bite on his long will he last?! Who cares, because Creek Reject takes an immediate shine - amidst the apocalypse - to nice-guy-guard.
58) "Anyone know her name?" ... nope, nor do we know the names of most of the new characters!
59) Fat zombie bint runs. Is this supposed to be scary? Never mind, downed in!
60) "I think it's the bites" - gee, ya think?
61) Why is Mekhi brandishing a gun during a conversation? Gangsta...that's why.
62) Max Headroom is Frank. 3 names out of 8 so far. Cue next thing on list - emotional goodbye scene.
63) Jake Weber drops some common sense on their asses, but everyone else is too busy ticking things off on their dialogue list.
64) 51 minutes in. Emotional scene BEGIN!
65) "Do it Michael!" What? Slap the nurse for being an annoyingly smug bastard?
66) "Phew, almost 53 minutes in, thank fuck we cut away to something else. All that emotion was gonna turn us all into fags", chime the popcorn fuckers.
67) Oh, Mekhi is Andrei...oh okay. Maybe pregnant Russian Luda is good for something other than just being pregnant...
68) Nearly 54 minutes in, cut back to the emotion scene! At least Max Headroom is doing his part with a touch of class...meanwhile, super convenient security cameras let nice-guy-guard perv on his blatant future love interest.
69) 56 minutes in. Frank round-houses the bucket. In the film for less than 10 minutes, most of which he wasn't on screen. Are you done with emotions? Okay, tick that off the list! ... You can almost hear Zack Snyder asking his team "what do we do next?"
70) Even a jokey 'lounge version' of "Down With The Sickness" sucks. Damn this movie for inflicting this song upon YouTube so profusely!
71) 57 minutes in. 10 minutes after being introduced, nameless bimbo struts around in lingerie so we can all gawp at her. Deep stuff...really.
72) We haven't done anything with Glen yet...erm...lets laugh at him because he's trying on a woman's shoe!
73) Despite the apocalypse, and losing their entire families to a plague, the two young rap-scallions gaze at the stars...sorry, but Dawson's Creek ended ages ago.
74) Quick! We need tits! The blonde nameless bimbo returns by getting shafted by that sarcastic guy...who is now called Steve. 4 out of 8 so far.
75) Steve sets his fate out by hitting us in the face with it, sledge hammer style.
76) "Glen is gay. Gay people are funny. Let's laugh at the gay guy" says this stupid movie ...and we only need to characterise him for less than 30 seconds...tick, done.
77) More sarky-arse remarks from Steve. Piss off. At least Jake Weber is rocking the scene.
78) Quick! We need action! Let's toss in a birth as well!
79) More posturing from the utterly joyless Ving-a-ling cop. If they've said his name, I've long since forgotten. If he's currently nameless, I wouldn't be surprised. Half of the new batch of characters still remain nameless.
80) We haven't got enough characters, so let's thrown in a dog (who is soon named Chips)!
81) Legless zombie, purely for a movie-based scare, crawls across the ceiling to take out redneck guard Brad.
82) Okay, we've sated the popcorn fuckers with some action, let's go back to that sucky zombie birth scene, the only thing that justifies the inclusion of Luda, a character who barely says or does anything throughout.
83) "Have a smoke on the way" ... yep, you will nameless chain smoker, because you've been used for nothing else. Intensely over-stylised cigarette action.
84) Yet more over-stylisation. If it wasn't for all this slow motion and MTV visuals, the movie would be over by now.
85) Norma! That's the name of the chain smoker. Seconds later and she's carked it. 5 out of 8 so far.
86) CGI zombie baby, nuff said.
87) "Sitting here, waiting to die" ... "I don't wanna die here" ... the stupidest plan is hatched by the smartest character. Let's drop some more sarcasm from Steve, who's done nothing else. "Not a lot of people" on the islands - where there's people, there's zombies, duh. Oh yeah, Andy...
88) CJ points out how moronic their plan is...then goes along with it. All good plans are hatched within 60 seconds as we know.
89) The A-Team rocked...this sucks though. Creek Reject helps everybody out by spray painting...because zombies are scared of spray-painted useful.
90) "Hopefully we'll get to the dock and there won't be too many of them" - have you looked outside your mall lately? The entire city is populated by zombies you daft bint!
91) Gee, Ana gets over the loss of her husband quick doesn't she?
92) Nicole! That's who Creek Reject is! 6 out of 8 so far, it's only taken about 40 minutes...and damn she's annoying about her dog obsession.
93) Could he have closed the hatch any slower? Could the idiots in the mall not made a distraction? Geez.
94) Nicole fucks up the stupid plan by chasing after a fucking dog ... and zombies don't even eat dogs! Preposterously large MORON!
95) She's so fucking thick, it deserves a second bitch-point. I mean REALLY. That is incredibly, epicly stupid.
96) Saving Private Ryan vision begins...come on, man...
97) "How do we know if he hits it?" Nicole's absolute worthlessness knows no bounds. She literally wakes up, to fuck up.
98) Tucker, who was pretty cool - yet completely underused - carks it. The sheer volume of characters was just to allow for lots of killing in the third act, wasn't it? *sigh*
99) Why are teenagers such clingy bastards? Even amidst an escape from a city full of zombies they still want to hold hands and talk about puppies.
100) The chainsaw idea is cool, but cutting off their heads would be far more useful.
101) Blonde bimbo gets sliced and diced...she literally had no name.
102) Gee, like we didn't see that coming from three planets away...laterz Steve, you gigantic wanker.
103) Everybody is suddenly a crack shot while running at full pelt.
104) Hasn't the transition back to daylight come too bloody quick? According to this movie, it's taken them several hours to go from the gun shop clusterfuck to the docks...riiight.
105) That's a fucking HUGE tank of propane, yet it produces an explosion smaller than the one from the far smaller tank minutes earlier.
106) Michael (the only one with intelligence, until he invented this stupid plan) has to be killed off. Again with this apparently relationship, no more than a couple of weeks since Ana's hubby got zombified.
107) Quick! Throw some random tits into the credits!
108) Why on earth is there a head in a cool box?
109) See where preposterous plans concocted in 60 seconds get you? Fucked, is where...and not the nice kind.
110) Down With The Sickness ... YouTube groans under the weight of it's overuse. Thank fuck that's finished!

All said and done, I truthfully didn't expect to get over 100 reasons. So even I, the Dawn Remake hater, am a little surprised! Way back when the flick first came out I hated the movie, then I sort of liked it a bit (and even bought the director's cut DVD in its first week of release), but then I came back to hating it again and it's been that way ever since. There have been many remakes, some of them of films that I hold dear to my heart - and while most are pointless/underwhelming/or downright abominable, some of them are actually good ... to me, though, Dawn of the Dead 2004 is shite.

This all said, there are things in the movie ... even about the movie ... that I like, but they're so obscured by so much of the stuff I dislike, hate, or full-on despise about it that they're hard to recall. As for Snyder's other films - I really enjoyed Watchmen and Man Of Steel ... but, ugh, Dawn04? No thanks.

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