Snuffles: The Screenplay...

A while back I accidentally wrote a novella called "How Mr Snuffles III and Others Met Their Maker". I say accidentally because it had started out as a short story which then grew into a novella on-the-fly. I found myself hopping back and forth inserting new passages and ideas and it was one of the most 'free-wheeling' instances of writing that I have experienced thus far.

It is a black comedy about an orphaned pet therapist/serial killer aficionado who teams up with a gifted taxidermist to explore the limits of love, death, and psychopathy ... so yeah, the jettest of jet black comedies.

A nearly complete version of the layout/guide.

There's nothing quite like a good old corkboard with actual, physical index cards and pins.

Anyway, a while after writing the novella I had the idea of converting it into a script, but various other things I wanted to write slid in first until now, a couple of years down the line. I've returned to it for a little bit of creative writing fun to kick off 2018. With a fair bit of groundwork already done in writing the novella, I figured this would be a project I could hammer out efficiently...

Click "READ MORE" below to continue and also see a little sample...

Doghouse...

June's double-flick cine-trip's second movie kicked the ass of the last 'second in a day' movie we saw at the cinema (which was the utterly pish Observe & Report) - plus we'd had Pizza Hut between screenings, so my gut and blood sugar was thoroughly happy after an ice-cold Pepsi and a delicious individual-size (i.e. the literally perfect portion) Meat Feast pan-pizza ... it makes me want one right now just talking about, so I'd better shut up and start blog-juicing about Doghouse!

Was it ever going to be Shaun of the Dead? No it wasn't, and neither was Lesbian Vampire Killers, but that's not the point, and when you think about it for a moment, it's not even a fair target to aspire to. Shaun of the Dead was simply too good to be beaten.

Shaun of the Dead "ish" or "like" perhaps - as in, it's a "British horror comedy".

It'd be far more worthwhile to compare LVK and Doghouse - so which one wins out of the two (both released this year) - Doghouse wins. It's got a far more consistent style than LVK, it has more gore, it's funnier, and it's better constructed.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed Lesbian Vampire Killers, but it generally felt a bit inconsistent and rushed, and then it all kind of fell apart towards the end. Doghouse on the other hand sticks to its guns, and provides the viewer with a greater sense of consistency from start to finish. You're not rushed into things - you get the required set-up time - but you're not left checking your watch either.

I rather enjoyed Jake West's previous flick Evil Aliens, so I'm really glad to see he's getting to play with a bigger budget and bigger names. Doghouse (adapted from a cult comic) is a horror film for horror fans, it's for the 'nerds' in the crowd, the sort of person who relishes in the gloopy gore of The Evil Dead ... primarily at least. It plays well to those not versed in the world of Sam Raimi before Spider-Man or the 1990s, or 'pre-Rings' Peter Jackson, but it certainly helps if you're a lover of Sam Raimi's madcap horror stylings.

Doghouse has a better-than-average bucket of gore to chuck around (although a few more stand-out gore-gags like in Evil Aliens would have been welcomed by the Evil Dead lovers in the audience), Danny Dyer's 'geezer schtick' doesn't wear thin, and the general feel of utter daftness was a real pleasure to watch.

It doesn't dawdle - which was ideal for a second-screening on a double-dip trip to the cinema like we were doing at the time - and, put simply, it's a good fun slab of Grindhouse-ish exploitation horror comedy. Buckets of fun - so here's hoping that it gets a spiffing treatment on DVD for the genre fans to lap up.

Slasher flick revisiting, and Nightmare on Elm Street 4,5,6,7...

So I've been into a right old slasher flick rampage of late - what with the Friday 13th and My Bloody Valentine remakes coming out, it got me thinking about revisiting some of the slasher flicks I'd only seen once or twice on DVDs that were otherwise collecting dust on my DVD shelves - I'll point out that I saw Friday 13th 2009 in the cinema back in February, which is when this slasher revisiting rampage started.

I'll also point out that back in my teenage years, and then again during my time at uni when DVD exploded big time, I was frequently watching slasher flicks ... and that last year I had a whole Halloween franchise revisit ... but you know how it is, there's so many movies out there, that you just happen to stop watching certain flicks or certain sub-genres for a while through no actual intention, it's just how it goes.

Anyway - I started off, after the Friday 13th remake, with My Bloody Valentine (the original), then there was (in no particular order), Madman, Nightmare In A Damaged Brain, The Burning, and Maniac ... then I fished out Friday 13th Part 5 as I'd only seen it once on the DVD that had otherwise been sat around for a few years not getting watched at this point ... then I got the His Name Was Jason DVD, which in itself was great, and in a wider context got me all hot and bothered to rewatch some of the Friday 13th flicks again - I ended up doing all of them (but not in full chronological order, oddly enough).

Then a poll on Homepage of the Dead - about picking your favourite slasher icon (Jason, Freddy, Michael or Leatherface) got me intrigued in going back to Nightmare on Elm Street 4 through 7 - movies I'd only seen once-a-piece many years ago (the first three I've seen more than once each though), so, without further delay, some thoughts...

Nightmare 4: The Dream Master - it's pretty tame, the kids are annoying, they're poorly written, Freddy is miles away from being scary or intimidating, and I just couldn't help but be continually annoyed (for this and the two following movies) by the lead telling all their friends about Freddy - if they didn't do so, their friends wouldn't have a clue about Freddy, so therefore the lead is murdering their chums by proxy ... silly bastards. Also - Freddy raps in the credits ... oh dear lord.

Nightmare 5: The Dream Child - thoroughly sick of "Dream" sub-titles now, plus it's a direct follow-on from #4, which was naff anyway - plus, it's decidedly NOT scary ... while the dream elements are creative, I don't find them scary, nor especially interesting ... also, how come everybody falls asleep in the blink of an eye? I wish I could do that, but no, it always takes at least ten or twenty minutes to actually drift off. Plus, Freddy is far from scary or intimidating - he's just stupid, but still the best part of the movie ... then, once again, more end credits rapping - geeeeeeeez.

Nightmare 6 ... or rather Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare - oh my fuckbeans, this is bad ... I mean really, really bad. It's not scary (again), the dream sequences have gotten more ludicrous and downright shit (such as the videogame sequence with a horrendous Power Glove advert-cum-spoof), Freddy is a complete joke, the script is awful, the acting is pish - especially by that black-haired woman who turns out to be *sigh* Freddy's daughter from when he tried to 'be a family man' (with added childhood abuse flashbacks for extra cheese) ... she is really shit - "aaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh ... oh wait, my hair's flopped over my right eye, let me break the moment completely and move it out of the way ... ahem ... aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh" ... I mean for fuck sake ... then there's that bullshit with the 3D glasses.

Oh, and the bullshit about killing Freddy - with a few knives and a pipe bomb - WHAT THE FUCK?! That's how you kill him? If you can't kill him by burying his bones in sacred ground, or by that weird shit in the church in #4, or whatever it was in #5, how is a few knives and a pipe bomb gonna do it?

Nightmare 7 ... or rather Wes Craven's New Nightmare - a pre-cursor to Scream in many ways, it's actually quite interesting, but sadly it takes too long to really get moving. I feel it could have been 15 minutes tighter with ease, or how about putting a bit more Freddy into it - who, while only really there in the second half, is finally scary again - no more Power Glove gags, no more rapping, no more "oh just forget he was a child killing kiddy fiddler as we sell soft toys of him to children far too young to watch these movies" - no - he's bad ass once again, rocking a kick ass trench coat and boots and sporting a genuinely fucked up face (the make up in 4 through 6 was crap) ... the dude's scary again.

Now - as is the trend - A Nightmare On Elm Street is getting remade. Is this necessary? Of course not, but it's happening, and at least they've got the dude that played the decidedly messed-in-the-head Rorschach filling the sharp-fingered one's boots. Let's hope they at least make it scary, and make Freddy a dark and disturbing figure.

4 short March movie musings...

I've been meaning to post this up for a while/a long while, so here's a run-down:

Lesbian Vampire Killers...

You know what, it does what it says on the tin - it's got lesbians, who happen to be vampires, and they get killed. It was never going to be Shaun of the Dead (despite playing to that idea and audience), but it does what it does and as a result it was good for a night out with the lads.

A bit of silly throw away fun with brash, if scattergun, visual flair with a plot so simple you get the whole thing within minutes. Script wise - what do you expect? Well, a few more gags would have been nice - you do wonder, if it hadn't been for Horne & Corden, would this flick have done as well as it did ("well" being a relative term mind you).

It's been said that it's a bit soft on both the horror and the comedy fronts, and I'd have to agree. A few more gags to propel the final act more convincingly would have been nice, and a few more gore gags to elevate the bloodlust to From Dusk Till Dawn-ish levels.

Nothing especially memorable, but like I said - good for a watch and ideal lad's night fodder.



Transporter 3...

What's there to say really - Statham plus car plus random scrawny euto-trash bimbo plus silly make-do plot equals Transporter 3. A shame really, as the first movie was quite promising in terms of simple-minded action fair - lots of fun to be had with a cool jet-black motor roaring around with Statham doing his "action look" ... but Transporter 2 was utter pants, and Transporter 3 is perhaps marginally better ... but by the thinnest margin.

If you're going to watch a Transporter movie - watch the first one.



The Spirit...

Aye - late on this one as well, but whatever - it's nothing to get fussed about sadly. After the sheer bucket of awesome that was Sin City (the movie), it was a case of high hopes for The Spirit - but evidently, it definitely was Robert "do everything" Rodriguez who brought the directing talent in Sin City.

Frank Miller - he's a talented guy - but it's painfully obvious with his solo directing gig of The Spirit, that he just doesn't quite have the movie directing "thing".

No doubt the PG-13 rating was a major problem with this flick, it simply does feel like "Sin City for tweens" from start to finish, and the story feels too jumbled for those (of which there are no doubt many) who have never heard of "The Spirit" before. The film jumps right into the middle of it all, and only explains - sort of - about mid-way through, what on earth is going on - a major mistake, quite frankly...tacked onto the distinct softening on the sex and violence front. Regardless of what the source material was like, the movie just DOES feel neutered - and it's a damn shame.

It looks nice - albeit basically identical to Sin City, which is perhaps another downside - but over-the-piece it just doesn't grip at all. There are moments of kick-assery, but it's really not that convincing throughout from the out-set, and I say again - it's a damn shame. It was shaping up to be feckin' schweet ... but alas, no dice.

Roll on Sin City 2 methinks.



Very Bad Things...

I remember seeing an advert for this flick - absolutely YEARS ago - on the back of a film magazine. I remember the line-up of characters (mainly a procession of "oh that guy from..." sorts), but I never got around to seeing it - but at last, I dipped into it the other day.

Kind of like U-Turn, in that it's one of those movies where "shit" simply gets progressively "more fucked up" for the protagonist(s) as the running time flows on.

It just goes to show really - when you accidentally kill a hooker in Vegas - just call the fuckin' cops, for crying out loud! Kinda like "Swingers" ... if it had gone REALLY badly in "Vegas, baby!" ... indeed.

...

Now if you don't mind, I'm off to watch yet more Angry Video Game Nerd episodes online - I've been a fan for quite a while, but I only saw it sporadically - thanks to His Name Was Jason getting the wind up me to see more AVGN stuff, I'm now methodically going through them ... but backwards ... to replace my "YouTube time", as I call it.