Saturday 8 March 2008

110 reasons in 110 minutes why Dawn04 is crap: Part 1...

Recently I had the displeasure of being shown the hideous Day of the Dead 'remake', otherwise known as:

Day of the Remake
Day of the Flying Bulgarian Zombies
Careers of the Dead

It was a distinctly shitty movie, and I ended up compiling a list of reasons why it blew goats - in the end I had 127 reasons. It made my fellow zed heads chuckle, so I decided to do one for the Dawn remake.

One Bitch A Minute: Why the Dawn of the Dead Remake Blows

1) Transition into skull x-ray - I feel like I'm being force-fed creepiness.
2) Why are all doctors in movies obsessed with playing golf?
3) For some reason Sarah Polley's character complaining about helping the sick for one extra hour just pisses me off. If you can just walk out like you do after your shift is up, just do it, don't whinge about it in a really annoying way!
4) Lame ambulance-based scare. The conveniently placed radio crackle just smacks of laziness.
5) Ana is friends with a child, therefore she's a nice person...sigh.
6) It's "date night" ... they're in a relationship you know ... let's watch them have sex ... in the shower.
7) Why does the creepy mood music always kick in before the visuals become creepy?
8) Don't these people lock their doors at night? How on earth could a kid - zombie or not - get into a house unless it was unlocked?
9) They may be zombies, but they're still basically people...why do MTV zombies always sound like an animal, or a raptor?
10) Zombie kid jumps and runs ... zombie's can't fucking run!
11) Damn she's super aggressive too ... as if she was infected with something ... something like rage ... hmmm...
12) Husband zombie - weird-ass scream-ish wailing noise shenanigans.
13) She doesn't seem that confused or concerned about her husband's sudden dislike of her, does she?
14) Wow ... quietly putting your head to a door ... what's going to happen next ... oh damn I didn't see that coming, oh wait, I did - from several continents away.
15) It doesn't entirely make sense that gun-toting robe-guy would get creamed by that ambulance. That annoying, niggling sensation at the back of my neck grows a little larger.
16) How many times have I heard that stock scream? Loads, that's how many.
17) Another lame 'jump scare'.
18) That vehicle which crashes into the other one which makes a "cool explosion" literally appears from nowhere. Seriously. Go look for yourselves. Lazy.
19) CGI blood - on the Region 1 version at least - covers up naked boobies. How come Europe can handle it, but America apparently can't?
20) I thought crash barriers were supposed to stop vehicles? Especially ones travelling no more than 30mph.
21) Credits start - best part of the movie - and it had bugger all to do with Zack Snyder. Although the 'found footage' mixed with an insane amount of tape glitches angle was already a bit 'done before' when this was made.
22) Is it me or is Romero's credit shorter than the others?
23) Ving Rhames - having obviously encountered the zombies beforehand - can't tell the difference between a crazy-eyed, raptor-like-screaming, track star zombies from a human doing none of those things.
24) "Thought you were one of them". How many of these raptor-sounding, wild-eyed, blood-dripping runners carries a shotgun and walks cautiously?
25) One of the first words Mekhi uses is "motherfucker" ... so I guess we're in store for another Sam Jackson wannabe gangsta, huh?
26) "Back when there were eight of us" ... oh so it's a serious situation? And there I was thinking it was a cake walk.
27) We haven't had any action in a couple of minutes - quick - let's toss a couple of zombies in there, before the teenagers in the audience start thinking about breasts again!
28) Why heave a toilet through a window when you could use a crowbar just as well it seems? Toilets are funny, that's why...
29) You make a load of noise by lobbing a bog through some glass, then you decide to play it quiet?
30) Ving Rhames' cop has barely done anything and he's already annoying.
31) Fuck sake, why is the contrast so high in this movie?
32) It's been too quiet, the kids are thinking about boobies, quick - toss in another lame jump scare!
33) Oh yeah, because a wooden croquet mallet is better than a crowbar...
34) Told you it'd break immediately...blatantly setting up for the gore gag...but I know I'd never swap a metal crowbar for a wooden croquet mallet during a zombie outbreak.
35) Are all American malls this relentless stylish?
36) "If I put my foot up yo ass, would that be your problem?" - everybody who thinks sticking your dick in a tub of popcorn is a clever idea laugh.
37) Apparently nice security guards aren't allowed to have guns.
38) I already want to slap that redneck guard for just being a twat. At least Tom & Scott are cool in their cameos.
39) "Drink a tall glass of shut the fuck up" - CJ eventually chills out, but right now he's a complete dick. Thankfully Jake Weber's character has some lesser-spotted intelligence for such an MTV-savvy movie.
40) At least the gore is good, it's tough to fuck up gore...but why does this movie have to be so over-stylised?
41) "Hey look over there, there's someone on the roof" - gee, ya think?
42) Hours later, still in a mall full of stuff, and people are still swanning about in their infected-blood-soaked clothes.
43) Mekhi acts tough...sigh.
44) "I'm not following anyone" ... Ving Rhames' character is a complete wanker...still, at least he isn't barking like a dog (in this movie).
45) Ken Foree's touch of class makes you realise how uninspiring the protagonists are.
46) Bart (redneck guard) is still a twat.
47) Black guy bathroom face-off. Cardboard gangsta VS self-involved wanker.
48) Quick! Eight key protagonists isn't enough, chuck some more in! Quantity, Sir, does not mean quality.
49) Mandatory face-off amongst the group, seen it all before.
50) Ana, for some reason, still annoys the crap out of me.
51) Luda (pregnant Russian) literally seems to be there for no reason other than she's pregnant. She's an excuse for a later scene...that is lame.
52) Moany blonde bimbo (un-named). Old fart (Glen). Fat bint in a wheel barrow (un-named). Dawson's Creek reject (Nicole). Chain smoker (Norma). Scruffy trucker (Tucker). Sarcastic prick (Steve). Max Headroom (Frank). Eight more protagonists - a total of 16. The original managed for ages with 4 at the most. Again, quality please - not quantity.
53) Clearly, sarcastic guy is there to mug-off to the aforementioned popcorn fuckers.
54) Ving-a-ling's idiotic cop wants to look for himself...sigh. "Fuck ya'll" ... groan.
55) 3 sarky remarks in under a minute from sarcastic guy...deep, man...really.

1 comment:

Danny Smith said...

to answer number 2's questions:

Golf is the secret to a doctors 12 regenerations.

the more you know.