The Bikini Car Wash Company (Ed Hansen, 1992) Review

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“Look at the improperness of your attire, young lady!” There's always been a joke about Playboy magazine from the mouths of those caught red-handed with a copy – “I read it for the articles” (and not for the ladies with their jubblies out) – and yet the publication was known for its quality writing on a whole range of subjects, giving many new writers access to a wider audience. Without those articles, though, what do you have left? And that's kind of what The Bikini Car Wash Company is – Playboy without the articles...

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“And I suppose you expected to find a car wash on the beach, right?” The plot, what few frayed threads of it there are, consists of naïve Iowa college kid Jack (Joe Dusic) coming to California – rendered in the most poorly-aged early CGI style in the opening credits for some curious reason – to take care of his Uncle's car wash for the summer. Uncle Elmer (Michael Wright, Graduation Day) has severe allergies that need curing, and Jack has to find a way to make a boatload of cash to cover what Elmer's medical insurance won't.

“Get away from me and my tits, you creep!” Fortuitously, bikini beach babe marketing student Melissa (Kristie Ducati, Meatballs 4) and her gal pals are in-need of some fast cash to fund their vacation after a disastrous investment in edible bikinis (they melted!) – and so a joining of forces for a cut of the profits is forged in luminous Lycra.

“I need something to cover my boobs.” There's some other cobblers about a flasher on the prowl (accompanied, for some reason, by some sort of cyborg-like on-screen computer graphics), and a hot shot Assistant D.A. in a truly dreadful baggy beige nineties suit with a disliking for the Sunshine Car Wash because of all the (unseen) fender benders it's causing, but other than that – and some half-hearted attempt to make Melissa out as some scheming manipulator of bumbling Jack – it's basically just beautiful girls in day-glo bikinis prancing about.

“Could either of you describe these breasts?” Get ready to see montage after montage of Melissa and pals, including political science major Amy (Rikki Brando, Zipperface), Sunny (Suzanne Brown, Virgin Hunters), Rita (Nariah Davis, Citizen Toxie), and Tammy Joe (Brook Lynn Page) stretching, washing cars, having soapy water fights, and copping off with token fillers of budgie smugglers Stanley (Eric Ryan) and Big Bruce (Scott Strohymer) – all to music that is like a 1980s hair metal hangover for elevators in the office building of 'Skinemax'. It might seem like a joke, but you genuinely thirst for some plot to help fill out the 75 minute run time! And there was certainly room to inject some more intrigue and comedy into proceedings, because the movie can elicit a few good giggles when it can be arsed.

“I think that's enough about the alleged nekkidness.” An encounter between Melissa's attorney Bobbi Canova (Kimberly Bee) and representatives of the law, incensed by bared boobies causing vehicular carnage proves to be an enjoyably silly interlude, like a side walk courtroom on the technicalities of the law as pertains supposed public nudity and the inconsistencies of eye witness testimony. Similarly, there's humorous moments dotted occasionally throughout, such as a man who pretends to drive an invisible car into the wash – so the girls decide to clean him instead. True, it's not exactly comedy gold or even comedy brass, but it's got that goofy 1990s Skinemax charm nonetheless, which makes it all the more disappointing that more wasn't extracted from the humble concept.

“Maybe I should just tell you about the van … it's full of strippers.” Featuring a cameo from ultra low budget boobs-obsessed filmmaker Jim Wynorski (Chopping Mall, Deathstalker II, The Bare Wench Project etc) essaying the role of disapproving car wash worker Ralph, The Bikini Car Wash Company is kind of like Baywatch, but without the plot or the class. Directed by Ed Hansen (Takin' It Off) who co-wrote the paper-thin screenplay with George 'Buck' Flower (Drive-In Massacre, and best known as Red 'the bum' from Back To The Future), with a little more attention to story and characters, this could have become a true blue classic of cheesy home video titillation, such as Slave Girls From Beyond Infinity, or with some warmth and heart it could have been Gas Pump Girls for the nineties … but instead it is, for the most part, a series of (lovingly photographed) 'wank intervals' accompanied by corny rock music. The title, base concept, and bevy of bikini-clad babes has obviously kept this on the fringes of the limelight for the past thirty years – and it even warranted a sequel! – but with a little more effort it could have been much more, or even at least Beach Babes From Beyond.