Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Day08: The Bitch List (Part One)...

127 reasons in 87 minutes why Day'08 is utter shite (Part One):

1) Shite, bargain basement budget titles.
2) Moronic 'scary' quick cuts for no good reason.
3) ADHD-addled first shot.
4) Second shot - shite music, couple of idiots slow-dancing.
5) Teenagers like to have sex ... what a novel and never-before-used idea! One couple are essentially dogging on a sofa for the entire world to see, while the other are the nervous breed of teenager sexers.
6) Ah geez, is that the skank from season 5 of Nip/Tuck?
7) "Hey, let's explore."
8) Figure flashes through frame, 'scary' music cue...why didn't anyone think of this ever before in the history of cinema-history history?!
9) Stupid flashes of colour for no apparent reason during the 'bunch of idiots complaining in a traffic jam' shot.
10) Ving Rhames rapes the legend of Captain Rhodes within seconds.
11) Corporal Cross - aka that-one-with-the-forehead-from-American-Pie ... she'd never last a day in the army, but thank fuck for that cap.
12) Rhames might as well say "fuck all y'all" when he talks to Cross.
13) The awful flashes continue, and we're still following this idiot following strange noises.
14) Oh my g0dz0rz, she jumps out at him! I'm so scared!!!11!1!!
15) Government-hating radio jockey, originality strikes again!
16) God-awful semi-thrash-nu-metal garbage music.
17) Alone in the woods, strange noises ... I genuinely don't know what's going to happen!!!1!1!11
18) Insane amount of noise from unseen 'zombie'.
19) Slut-bag has a tattoo ... oh how clever, after she's dragged away that neatly severed chunk of flesh lands in front of the camera, oh wow you guys.
20) Nick Cannon is introduced ... within 3 seconds he dives into the bossy, attitude-filled gangsta stereotype. He's already annoying.
21) Soldier who can't do anything right, originality continues to reign supreme. Wasn't he in Nip/Tuck as well?
22) Nick Cannon's got nothing but sex on the brain ... America weeps for the representation of their military.
23) Cross has seen exciting? She hasn't just joined up? And there I was thinking she was still best suited to hanging around fucked apple pies.
24) "Nothing ever happens in this town anyway" - fate is tempted with the subtlety of a barge pole.
25) Oh Jesus - THIS GUY is Howard Sherman's replacement?
26) Teenagers like to fuck, therefore we MUST see it.
27) Nobody's actually intimidated by Mena Suvari...camouflage or not.
28) Suvari's performance is as lifeless as her character as she checks on her fate-temptingly ill mother.
29) Everybody's ill, but nobody is at all worried.
30) Jesus ... we're only quarter of an hour in. Why are televisions always displayed static after the place has been turned over?
31) "Don't worry, it's not loaded" - then you're even more useless, Corporal Cross, aren't you?
32) Oh my god, there's blood all over the bedroom ... but it's fine that the living room is smeared all over with it too.
33) Why would two bodies be standing and hiding behind a curtain, aside from specifically to set up an awful 'jump'.
34) So mobile phones are still always useless in a crisis in movie-land, huh?
35) The reason for your unloaded gun is "complicated", eh? Guess you shouldn't be in the army, huh?
36) "I'm a vegetarian by the way" ... evidently the 'vegetarian zombie Bud' thing wasn't just a nightmare.
37) Remind me how this has anything to do with Romero's original movie aside from name-rape?
38) Evidently platonic working relationships are a thing of the past as future-veggie-zombie tells Cross' mother her daughter is hot ... clearly Steve Miner's army have nothing better to do than each other.
39) It's a virus, see?! Oh you don't? Oh well, we'd better chuck some weird sound effects and fake grain onto the wobbly footage then, huh?
40) Doc Logan is now 'handsome guy'.
41) Shed-load of cash wasted on dumb-dumb shots of the big, bad virus taking over some guy's cells...thus apparently justifying months of decomposition in 5 seconds ... and leaping ... and running.
42) So nowadays people zombify by standing still?
43) Velociraptor-style screaming zombies run really fast in a really silly way before attacking random bit-parter.
44) Rubbish digital blood on one component knocks out the entire electricity sub-station, and thank fuck for that too, because I was feeling desperate for another horror cliche after that 15 second absence.
45) Despite zombification here meaning you just sit still for a few minutes, we still have zombies driving cars - which aren't dented at all. You'd have thought you'd crash during your paralysing zombification, wouldn't you? Digital zombie gets up and shames a generation of the living dead to genre newbies.
46) Another rubbish 'scare' scene.
47) The genre-faithful weep, or laugh mockingly, or do both as random soldier guy gets literally pounced on by three 'zombies', one of whom literally almost flies ... fuck it ... it just flies.
48) Another 'zombie', with an even sillier scream, jumps through glass - but can't do it twice for some reason.
49) More leaping, more insanely-premature-decomposition, more silly screams.
50) "Oh my God, you're fucking kidding me!" ... is what I actually said as a shitty CGI 'zombie' scuttles across the ceiling. SERIOUSLY.

No comments: