Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Day08: The Bitch List (Part Three)...

*NB. Parts One & Two can be found below this post.

101) "What is Project Wildfire?" - Doc Logan, still a douche, but actually in charge of some apparent plot.
102) From unloaded, to loaded ... Corporal Cross is still devoid of actual threat.
103) Bio-chemical agents - I fucking knew it - genre ultra-cliches pile up like flying 'zombies' at a hospital.
104) Of course your crap bio-chemical weapon caused the outbreak you ninny-brained n00b!
105) Convenient video evidence remains despite what the hard-drive deleting Windows 3.1 display told us.
106) "Some people have a natural immunity" - thank fuck we just so happen to be following those individuals, huh?!
107) Nick Cannon still thinks he's Rambo, but is actually an idiot because you can't fire and reload a pump-action shotgun with one hand on an out-stretched arm.
108) Everybody wastes a ton of ammo, completely missing the slowest moving 'zombie' thus far seen in the movie.
109) The Nip/Tuck, barely legal slag-bag is still useless and Nick Cannon still thinks he's on MTV.
110) Hey, let's all fire off more ammo at the ceiling because we heard a noise!
111) Pretty-boy Doc Logan informs us we're now facing a super-brain 'zombie' for the third, lamest act.
112) Nick Cannon is now history boy and missile expert, leading our band of morons to their escape route from the in-escapable super-serial-secret underground army bunker!
113) Quietest attack from above ever. Pretty-boy Logan's gone, finally we're close to the end after another lame 'jump scare' attempt.
114) "Why do white people always wanna split up?" - self-referential, lame, race-based 'comedy' returns.
115) Despite being ever-so-referential and cool, let's all split up anyway like it's never been done before.
116) "You look hot" - amidst death and carnage, teenagers still like to think about fucking.
117) Hey Presto! Within seconds they've found history-boy's silo!
118) Nick Cannon wastes a shit-load more ammo by firing at nothing for no good reason beyond "just in case".
119) No more Wild'n'Out for Cannon, but we still don't care.
120) Seriously, we're gonna do the McGuyver thing again?
121) "Hey, Sarah. Don't get eaten" - the world groans.
122) Infected people! We must have wobbly cameras and fake-film-grain! ... I begin to lose the will to live.
123) 'Zombies' turn on 'Veggie-Zombie' Bud ... my eyes can't stop rolling, the momentum has taken over.
124) The biggest, longest fireball you've ever seen disintegrates all the 'zombies', we're still laughing.
125) A plague which makes dead people run, leap, fly and rot super-fast is "flu-like", huh?
126) Another crap 'jump scare' attempt - another youfail.org - still with the fake-film-rot effects.
127) Credits - everybody should be completely ashamed of themselves.

I've seen some absolute stinkers in my time, particularly in the knock-off end of the zombie genre (Return of the Living Dead 4 & 5, or Children of the Living Dead, or Zombie Nosh to name but four), but Day08 is an absolutely colossal, steaming pile of fetid, 1,000 year-old crap.

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