Tuesday, 15 April 2008

Day08: The Bitch List (Part Two)...

*NB. Part One can be found below this post.

51) Meanwhile, after plenty of chaos, Ving Rhames has only just discovered shit has hit the fan.
52) Since when did a pistol sound like that? And was that seriously a ketchup bottle fart noise for some digital blood?
53) So are all the zombies put into double-speed in editing?
54) Fuck, we're only a third of the way through?
55) 'Zombie' jumps up to a first floor window.
56) Yet more unnecessary flash-flash-skittery camerawork/editing to attempt to wake you up.
57) "What kind of soldier are you?" - exactly - a shit one with an unloaded gun, geez!
58) "What is with you two?" - "It's complicated" - WHAT is complicated? You met a few hours ago, you're both rubbish recruits, how is that complicated?!
59) Yet another cliche - 'teens banging at a door whilst being chased'.
60) "Are you one of them?!" - do they run at 2x speed, sound like Raptors and are they covered in insanely premature decomposition? NO, you fat prat!
61) Oh-my-g0dz0rz you guys, a sick person in our midst! Why didn't anyone think of that in the history of cinema?!
62) Did we see Rhodes die? Either they dropped the ball (again) or it left so little impact it was as if it never happened.
63) Why the fuck would 'zombie' Rhodes eat his own dangling eye ball?! Zombies don't eat themselves, you fucking ninnies!
64) Is it me or is 'zombie' Rhodes barking like a dog?
65) Why bang the ceiling with a mop when you can apparently crawl across them? Par-for-the-course stupidity precedes a bunch of pogo-hopping 'zombies' trying to grab at Corporal American Pie, who evidently doesn't need hands to hold herself up as she dangles from the cleanest air vent you've ever seen.
66) This Doc Logan continues to be utterly pointless.
67) Yet another 'he's been bit and will zombify, but I won't let them be killed' scenes.
68) "I put bleach on it!"
69) 'Zombie' Mom gets a tip-off from the radio broadcast...lame.
70) Nick Cannon constructs ... a saw on a stick ... he does ... I laughed.
71) Doc Logan props up a wall - the most useful thing he's done throughout the movie.
72) "Nice spear" - yet another foot-in-mouth white guy VS over-sensitive black guy stereotypical scene...is this their stab at social commentary? Is this just a lame joke that's an offence to comedy? Methinks the latter.
73) Since when does a saw cut like a machete?
74) The remainder of the budget is spent on digital gore, perhaps this was why they couldn't afford to over-crank the camera to get slow motion, so instead they just did the reverse of what they've done with the 'zombies'.
75) A bunch of 'zombies' dive out of various windows of the hospital - yes, hospital - not underground silo, a friggin' hospital ... how is this a remake of "Day of the Dead" again?
76) "Come on y'all" ... Nick Cannon continues to annoy amidst the digital blood.
77) "Where's Logan?" - "What a dick!" - finally, I agree with something here ... which only saddens me ... fuck you, movie!
78) Evidently fire disintegrates 'zombie' arms and makes their heads pop ... okaaaaay.
79) "Nice shot" - "It was kinda gangsta, huh?" - the world weeps.
80) Everybody turns on each other ... we all still don't care.
81) Nick Cannon - covered in guns, still annoying.
82) Nick Cannon - amidst a town ridden with chaos, still finds the time for a punk-ass attitude ... the annoyance continues unabated.
83) "We're getting out of here?" - "We are?" ... sigh.
84) Amidst a town over-run with leaping Raptor-zombies, let's take the time for emotional exchanges in the open street.
85) "He's a vegetarian" - the collective nightmares of the genre fans is realised, their mocking groans ring out into the night.
86) 'Zombie' crush ... Nick Cannon's still a twat.
87) 'Zombies' with guns - a good idea done badly - and they seem to have unlimited ammo.
88) "The fuck was that?" - oh, gee, probably one of the things that have been running around for the past several hours perhaps!
89) More digital ketchup blood, as bad as the cack-handed sibling in-fighting 'back story'.
90) Teen-drama-style 'zombie' crush continues ... generations of genre fans roll their eyes.
91) Nick Cannon - still a twat ... 'zombie' crush is still a shit idea.
92) The sibling relationship is "complicated" - no, it's boring and weak.
93) Because a gigantic Humvee, designed for warfare, couldn't survive dinging into a small tree in the woods, they've all pissed off back to the woodland teen sex romp building, but within 2 minutes the plan's gone to shit - why bother?
94) All of a sudden they all think they're Rambo in the operations room attack in "Aliens" ... but they're not.
95) More digital ketchup lameness.
96) A 'zombie' crawls across a wall like a spider, and now anybody can be a 'one hit wonder' gun-toter.
97) No doubt a secret military bunker - worst defended and worst kept secret ever.
98) A poor-man's Windows 3.1 display gives us the lowdown on *gasps with surprise* - a secret biochemical test!
99) Why kick open doors to small rooms, which are fully viewable through the massive windows they all have?
100) Mena Suvari - least convincing Rambette ever ... apart from maybe Dakota Fanning ... or a brick with lipstick on.

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